Raising Arizona - where the only thing rising is my blood pressure

Raising Arizona is a loud, stupid, unfunny, improbable movie that grates on your ears as well as your faith in humanity only made worse by an ending that actively insults the audience’s intelligence. Of course, if the audience is even half as dumb as the characters in this movie, they probably wouldn’t recognize an insult to their intelligence.

I almost hesitate to summarize this movie, as it pains me to relive this trash and I fear I may suffer from PTSD, but for you, dear reader, I will press on.  Repeat (and bumbling) offender H.I. McDunnough (Nicolas Cage, in a role he was born to play) marries the local booking officer he falls for from his frequent arrests. “Ed” (Holly Hunter) cannot have babies, so the newlyweds steal a baby from a local furniture magnate, whose wife gave birth to quintuplets. Meanwhile, two of HI’s buddies (one is John Goodman) break out of prison and surprise the new family. They realize the baby is the one that was kidnapped and make off with him to get the reward money. They stop to rob a bank, as well, where the McDunnoughs catch up and get the baby back. Also at this time, a bounty hunter who shoots animals comes to get the baby. He and HI have an epic battle, which ends when HI pulls the pin from one of the grenades strapped to the bounty hunter’s chest (?) and he explodes. The McDunnoughs return the baby to the millionaire’s home, and he walks in just as they’re about to leave. He forgives them for kidnapping Nathan Jr. because, hey, they did the right thing in the end. Movie over.

That’s a dumb movie, with an ending so outrageous as to make everything that came before it worse because the characters essentially do whatever they want without consequences. The McDunnoughs not only kidnap a baby but MURDER A GUY and nothing happens. The cons break out of prison, rob a bank and kidnap a kidnapped baby and just decide to go back to jail because … they can? It’s not really explained. They simply crawl back through the hole they dug on their way out. Because it was never filled back in to, you know, prevent other people from also breaking out.

So it’s a stupid movie. But it’s also loud. Every scene in this movie has at least one, but usually multiple actors, screaming, wailing, shouting, or sobbing. There’s an entire scene where John Goodman and his brother drive a car screaming at the top of their lungs while returning to the convenience store where they left Nathan Jr. Nicolas Cage gets beaten up a number of times, which I would normally support, but he screams at the top of his lungs during each beating. And during the scene where HI has jumped in a pickup truck while trying to elude police, the two men scream repeatedly while narrowly avoiding a few crashes, and the soundtrack is a dude yodeling on top of their shouting! It’s almost as if the movie’s makers thought noise by itself constituted comedy, which probably explains why they didn’t try to include very many actual jokes.

Most disappointing was reaching the end of the movie and watching as the Coen Brothers’ names rolled by. How in the world were they allowed to make more movies after this? I’m glad they were, since The Big Lebowski, Fargo, and O Brother Where Art Thou are so great. But I’m not sure how anyone could watch this travesty of a movie and see anything good ever coming from them.

In summary: I don’t recommend this movie.

Raising Arizona: 1 of Patrick Swayze’s abs. (For John Goodman’s bumbling bank robbery, which included a bit of funny business in between shouting.)

Extra abs

- Nicolas Cage is shot at a lot in this movie, including by police officers who a) shoot at and in the homes of innocent people who are present and b) inside a grocery store, where dozens of people are shopping. This seems like a bad idea.

- I left out the part where a couple with obnoxious kids comes to meet the McDunnoughs' new baby and suggest they trade wives. There was shouting by kids and Cage alike.

- Holly Hunter is actually okay in this movie.

- This is the second movie in a row I've watched that has included a dude blowing himself up. Can we make it three in a row?

Heathers - where the guns go clique

So to say that this movie was not what I expected would be putting it mildly. In short order, our protagonists JD (Christian Slater) and Veronica (Winona Ryder) murder three people, making the first (Heather 1) look like a suicide by toxic cleaner and the last two a double suicide involving pistols at dawn. It is only after the second set of murders that Veronica develops something approaching remorse and breaks up with JD, who has already begun planning the next fake suicide for the second of three Heathers. JD decides to go out with a bang and rigs the school to explode while everyone is gathered for a Friday pep rally. Veronica stops the explosion, but JD, explosives strapped to this chest, blows himself up outside the school for a final suicide

Describing this movie as a comedy is a bit misleading, though there are undoubtedly funny parts. But this movie is dark, though well done, and many of the laughs are either at the expense of the characters or in spite of the otherwise tragic events going on in this school, where students are dropping like flies.

To be honest, I’m not sure how to process this movie. It was good – I can’t dispute that. The teenage angst is portrayed well – far better than in something like The Breakfast Club – but once JD and Veronica kill the first Heather, the movie takes an abrupt turn and becomes farce. The parents are aloof and uninterested in their children, while the teachers seem more concerned with how many hours to cancel in the wake of the death rather than actually worrying about how the students are feeling or coping. It’s a unique commentary on that “woe is me” mindset of teenagers, and told from that perspective (and Veronica’s diary), it’s a strong statement.

But did I like it? I’m not sure. So instead, I’m just going to ask a bunch of questions.

Was there really a time a kid like JD could not only bring a gun to school but also point it at two students and shoot (blanks) and not even get suspended?

What exactly did Veronica and JD expect would happen after serving Heather a glass of Draino? They seem so surprised that she’s died. “This is my life now?” Probably should’ve thought this through a bit more.

Did teachers really smoke in their morning meetings in the late 1980s?

How could Veronica really think that there was such a thing as Ich lüge bullets that merely pierced the skin and caused a little bit of bleeding?

Whatever happened to Christian Slater? I feel like he’s been in a dozen television shows that didn’t last more than 6 episodes each.

What sort of song is “Teenage Suicide Don’t Do It?” Who is the intended audience?

Are police really just going to believe two football players killed each other in their underwear in the woods because they were secretly gay only because there was a letter found nearby? That doesn’t sound fishy enough to warrant any type of follow up?

So Veronica shot JD in the boiler room in an attempt to stop him from blowing up the school. Seems fine. Is anyone going to walk down there and see ALL THE BLOOD and wonder what happened? And Veronica just strolls back in the school, covered in ash and, presumably, bits of JD. No one stops and asks what happened? Is she okay? Talk about self-absorbed teenagers.

Heathers: 3 out of 6 Patrick Swayze abs

Extra abs

 - It probably sounds like I didn’t like this movie, but I did appreciate much of it. Lots of funny lines.

- “Great pâté, but I’ve got to motor if I’m going to make that funeral.”

- “My son’s a homosexual and I love him. I love my gay dead son.”

- “Now I've seen a lot of bullshit. Angel dust. Switchblades. Sexually perverse photography exhibits involving tennis rackets.”

- “Save the speech for Malcolm X.”

- “I don’t patronize rabbits!”

- The “kid says what Dad would, Dad says what kid would” thing JD and his dad do is clever. 

- Also, Shannen Doherty. Ha.

The Secret of My Success - where the success is earned the old fashioned way

Mistaken identity, corporate espionage, and sexual intrigue. The Secret of My Success was a surprisingly funny movie starting the baby-faced Michael J. Fox between Back to Futures I and II as a Kansas college grad who moves to the big city in search of riches, falls for a girl (a Supergirl, no less) and, with some help from new friends, makes it big in perhaps the least believable – but still enjoyable – way imaginable.

After moving to the city, Brantley Foster (Michael J. Fox) convinces his “uncle” (a distant relative by marriage) to give him a job in the mailroom of their 30,000-employee company. Foster uses his access in the mailroom to study the company’s memos, stockholder reports, and other inside information to gain insights into the business. He befriends his “aunt” who quickly seduces him at her “country” estate in Connecticut, and they meet up a few more times, Foster trying in vain to avoid her advances.

Meanwhile, with the threat of a hostile takeover looming, Foster’s uncle, CEO Howard Prescott, makes cuts to raise capital, leaving a number of offices open. Foster sneaks into one, assumes a new identity and uses his mailroom resources to fulfill the requisite forms to get a secretary, office supplies, and release a memo about his own hiring. Of course, he has to maintain his job in the mailroom, so he ends up running back and forth – changing clothes in the elevator, avoiding people who know him as one identity when dressed as the other – and this is where much of the comedy derives from. It’s screwball, and Michael J. Fox has the physicality to pull it off, no matter how silly or ludicrous it becomes.

Meanwhile, Foster, as Charlton Whitfield and wearing what I have to assume is the smallest double-breasted suit ever made, falls for the female executive, Christy Wills (Helen Slater), who has been sleeping with CEO Prescott. They fall for each other and try to break things off with the old folks, though the Prescotts refuse to listen and continue their advances. The executives meet at the Prescott estate in CT to discuss options and Foster spends much of his time hobnobbing with rich people, whom Aunt Vera introduces him to in an effort to “guide him up the ladder,” as she did with Uncle.  That night the four major players all learn the truth about one another. Foster is, naturally, fired.

At work on Monday, it appears as though the company is moving forward with the takeover, and Prescott will remain with the new company. But, Foster, having raised money from his new friends and with the help of Aunt Vera (and daughter of the company’s founder (?)) has bought 50.1% of the shares of the larger company and is now running things. Prescott is fired, Foster and Wills are in love and in charge of a multi-billion dollar company. And Aunt Prescott even hooks up with Foster’s friend in the mailroom.

Look, this is a crazy movie. In no world would business people back – with millions of dollars – some 23-year-old kid they met two days earlier. Foster is, remember, working two jobs simultaneously. This isn’t a Mad Men, assume a new identity thing, break off connections to the old. This is a dude working two jobs in the same building with no one catching on. At least Clark Kent wore glasses. But I’m willing to forgive these improbabilities because this movie is a true descendant of the 1930s screwball, right down to the great, extended scene at the country house where the four major players – and one accidental participant – sneak around the house and into each other beds. Since both Foster and Prescott are looking for Wills they naturally end up together in her bed, with Prescott unwittingly putting the moves on his nephew.

And how can you not root for Michael J. Fox? He’s just so earnest, you excuse the zaniness because he’s initially overwhelmed by the situations he finds himself in but works through them, just short of laughing with us along the way.

The Secret of My Success: 4 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 Abs.

 Extra Abs

- I really hope there were people in 1987 who confused this movie with Wall Street, which opened a few months afterwards. Imagine their surprise when, instead of five minute bedroom swapping scene they get a coked-up Charlie Sheen. Had to be confusing.

- I think they were going for a “meet cute” between the two young people, but this one is more creepy than cute. Helen Slater approaches Michael J Fox at the water fountain and asks if she can have some water. He stares at her with a vacant expression on his face and watches her creepily as she drinks. She walks away and neither says anything else. Creepy.

- The soundtrack for this one is essentially one long synthesizer song. It is great.

- In true cheesy movie tradition, there is a scene in the first half of the film that flashes back to a scene that just took place 3 minutes before. You know, in case you forgot that Foster vowed to make it to the top on his own. (You should probably ignore that he does, in fact, use Vera's connections to reach the top. Not sure why they chose to point this out twice, then do the opposite.)

- The theme song says (yes) that the secret to his success is working 25 hours a day. Really, he just assumes a new identity and weasels his way into the board room. Oh, and sleeping with a millionaire also helped.

- While his neighbors have sex, bouncing his own bed off the wall, Foster uses a stick as a baton and conducts the proceedings. He also opens a can of beer at the climax, gushing the stuff on the floor. Good joke. Seems wasteful.

Three Amigos! - where everyone speaks English

There was a period in the early 90s when I watched Three Amigos! quite a few times. So many times, in fact, that I can still recite many of the scenes from memory. And as a child, the rocking musical number "My Little Buttercup" was a favorite of mine.

As great as it was then, it's even better watching it now that I'm older.

As a kid, I appreciated many of the jokes, the hilarious Three Amigos salute, the physical humor, the absurdity of many of the situations, and most of the things Chevy Chase did. But as an adult, I appreciate even more. The subtle puns and play on words. The fact that it is based on the classic film, The Magnificent Seven. The spoofs of silent films. And the probing, exhaustive look at race relations in the west of the early 20th century.

Just kidding. Those are stunningly stereotypical Mexicans.

The Three Amigos - Dusty Bottoms (Chevy Chase), Lucky Day (Steve Martin), and Ned Nederlander (Martin Short) - are movie stars in the silent film age, one-reel heroes of the west. They have a salary dispute with the studio and find themselves unemployed just as they receive an offer from a small Mexican town to help save them from a local crime lord, El Guapo. They assume this El Guapo is a legend of the Mexican screen, that they are going to be doing a show with him, and that they will be paid handsomely.


They arrive in town and have a nice party when El Guapo's men arrive, looking for their annual payoff. The Three Amigos, believing it part of the show, manage to scare off his men with their wild act and mad enthusiasm. However, El Guapo returns, shoots Lucky in the foot, drives the Amigos off, loots the town, and takes a female hostage, whom Lucky had fallen for. The Amigos, disgraced, decide that they will save the girl and save the village.

They infiltrate El Quapo's stronghold just as some pesky Germans are delivering a stockpile of weapons and successfully and with much comedic relief, escape with the girl. El Guapo chases them back to the village, where the Amigos have encouraged the townspeople to fight back. El Guapo is defeated, Lucky gets the girl, and the Amigos refuse the money.

 

I could go on and on talking about all the great scenes and lines from this movie. But I will describe one that I think best represents the brilliance and stupidity that make this movie so great. The Amigos, traveling through the desert, think they have reached the fabled singing bush. Now, to be clear, the bush is loudly singing and gesticulating with its branches very excitedly, but the three guys are unsure they've found the singing bush. "Are you the singing bush?" Lucky shouts over the signing, getting no answer. They eventually decide that it is in fact the signing bush, and they each do the required ritual (to summon the invisible swordsman, of course) which ends by shooting their guns in the air. Only Dusty, going last, shoots sideways, hitting the invisible man.

"Great! You've killed the invisible swordsman!" Lucky says looking incredulous after an invisible mass hits the ground. "You were supposed to fire up! We both fired up!" Ned walks over and picks up an invisible arm and drops it. Dead.

And that's it. They come to the bush to find a guide and kill him. They leave and still find their way to El Guapo. There is essentially no reason for this scene - or the singing bush, or the invisible swordsman - other than to a) listen to the guys make ludicrous noises before shooting a pistol and b) highlight the harebrained nature of the entire movie.

Three Amigos is a fun ride, and the three SNL stalwarts are each amazing in this film. I defy you to watch this movie and not laugh out loud a few dozens times. Seriously. I would love to hear anyone's opinion on this one, because in the Scott house, this ranks very high.

Three Amigos: 6 out of 6 Patrick Swayze abs. (I'll stand by this.)

Extra abs

- John Landis also directed this one. Another American classic.

- "Wherever there is injustice, you will find us. Wherever there is suffering, we'll be there. Wherever liberty is threatened, you will find the Three Amigos!

- El Guapo is Spanish for "the Handsome One," as anyone who watches this movie could probably infer.

- "In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be the actual El Guapo!"

- Steve Martin does the lasso tricks himself. Apparently, he learned them working in a magic shop as a kid.

- "Do you have anything here besides Mexican food?"

Risky Business - where business is good

I essentially knew nothing about this movie, having never seen it growing up. I knew that Tom Cruise did the dance in his underwear, but that was it. So imagine my surprise when he turns pimp!

In Risky Business, a very young Tom Cruise is left home alone while his parents visit a sick aunt. He's a straight arrow, focusing on school, the SATs, and getting into Princeton. His buddies, however, convince him to contact a call girl, which he does with the naivety of a 17 year old. After a night of doing what they do, Tom has to leave her to cash in a bond ("We hope your life is full of joy and happiness. Love Grandpa and Grandma.") to pay the $300. He returns to find that she's stolen a very valuable and very dear to Mom crystal egg. He tracks her down and rescues her from an abusive pimp, and she stays another night in the house. Tom once again leaves her, this time to attend school, and comes home to find a friend of hers earned some money from one of his friends. Tom gets a cut because it's his house, and, after doing some drugs (his first time), they go out for a night of fun which ends when Tom drives his dad's Porsche into Lake Michigan.

Having previously declined a business offer from his young hooker friend but now desperate for money to pay for the damages, Tom agrees to hose a one night soiree to hook up his lonely friends and classmates with Lana's friends and associates. They make a killing, Tom rakes in $8,000 in one night and even takes care of the interviewer from Princeton, who of course comes that night and is somewhat ... surprised. Lana takes Tom out on the town because she wants to do it on a train (yes this happened) and the ride all night until they are alone and do just that. Tom returns home to find an empty house. Literally empty, as Lana's pimp has stolen everything as punishment for taking his business. He returns with a UHaul truck and sells back all of the furniture, draining all of poor Tom's hard earned money. His parents return that afternoon none the wiser (minus a tiny scratch on the egg), and the Princeton interviewer calls his dad and boasts what a great student he'll make.

 
I have to admit I enjoyed this one, and not just because it was fun to watch a Tom Cruise movie before he went totally crazy. The performances are very reserved which allows for the story to grab you to the point where, sure, I can believe this 17 year old is a pimp. There are also quite a few funny scenes, including Tom telling the school nurse why he missed school and should have the absences excused. "To be honest, I met a call girl," he begins as she's filling out the unexcused absence form. "You're still writing! I just need a little compassion!" There's a great sight gag after he picks up the repaired Porsche and drives about 20 MPH with his blinking lights, so terrified he's going to do anything else to the car. Then while his friends are putting the furniture back in the house, one of his friends makes the point that the figures on the bookshelf should be arranged by century. "You don't want to mix cultures, either."

It's another of those crazy coming-of-age stories that is wild but just believable enough to be fun.

In one of the final scenes, Tom meets with Lana for brunch and asks if that night on the train - which meant so much to him - was all part of a trick to get him out of the house. She takes a long pause and says that no, it wasn't just to occupy him. "You don't believe me, do you?" I've given it some thought, and I'm not sure whether we are supposed to or not. The two of them have a great chemistry so that when she's begging him to leave with her, it could really be that the train ride was all her idea. The movie ends with their roles reversed, repeating dialog from their first night together only Lana is playing the part of the naive, inexperienced girl. So maybe it was all an act.

Or maybe it really doesn't matter.

Risky Business: 5 of Patrick Swayze's 6 abs.

Extra abs

- Apparently sales of the Ray Bans Tom wears in this movie shot up 2,000% following the movie's release.

- The song playing on the train is Phil Collins'"In the Air Tonight."

- Bronson Pinchot plays one of the high school friends. He'd of course go on to star in Perfect Strangers, so it's hard to take anything he says seriously.

- The pimp is played with swarmy delight by Joe Pantoliano. Sadly, he was already going bold some 15 years before selling his soul in The Matrix.

Back to School - where learning is optional

Back to school is another of those 80s movies premises that is a bit hard to believe but still delivers plenty of laughs. Rodney Dangerfield, owner of successful Tall and Fat stores across the county, goes to college with his son after buying his way in with a healthy donation for the business school which now shares his name. His son rooms with Robert Downey, Jr., and is not a great success (towel boy for the diving team, unable to talk to the girl he likes). Dangerfield, between oneliners, doesn’t take class seriously and instead hires people to do his work for him. He falls for his poetry teacher, is accused of cheating and has to pass oral exams to pass his classes or face expulsion. After a great 80s montage of cramming for the exams, he surprising passes in time to get to the big diving meet. At well over 60 years old, Dangerfield fills in for one of the divers, a jerk who fakes a toe cramp rather than face the pressure, and performs the deadly Triple Lindy to win the meet for the school. Everyone wins!

This movie is supremely silly. The mascot for the university is the Hooters. The dean is Dean Martin.  The plot is a loose construction for classic Dangerfield zingers. (“They want me to take oral exams for all my classes or they’ll kick me out. And if I take them, who knows where they’ll kick me.”) But who cares? It’s funny, and when the guy playing his son is off screen, the acting is decent enough.

And it’s not all stupid jokes. As I said, Melon (Dangerfield) hires professionals to do his schoolwork and even snags Kurt Vonnegut to write a paper about the works of Vonnegut. Melon gets an F on the paper, partly because it’s clear he didn’t write it and partly because “whoever wrote this doesn’t know the first thing about Vonnegut.” Melon promptly calls Vonnegut and tells him he’s stopping payment on his check and then hurls a very choice four-letter word at him. Beyond being a nice set up and pay off, it’s an intelligent critique of modern criticism, somewhat out of place in a movie like this, but appreciated nonetheless.

In my review of Weird Science, I failed to adequately acknowledge the work of Robert Downey, Jr., and here again he performs amazing work in a supporting role, playing the goofy, blue-haired roommate for Melon Jr. Here he heckles divers, throws paint on football players at a pep rally, and writhes on the ground begging Melon Jr to “do me, do me, do me!” He steals many of the scenes in this movie and totally commits to the craziness he’s asked to do in, both here and in Weird Science. Kudos, 80s Robert Downey, Jr.!

This is funny movie with funny lines tied around a hard-to-believe yet successful story. You’ll find something to laugh at here.

Back to School: 4 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 abs.

Spies Like Us - Where spies go out into the cold

In Spies Like Us, Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd are underwhelming employees of the State Department who are tricked into participating in a spy mission in the Soviet Union. They have no idea their mission is a decoy for the real, fully-trained and highly prized spy team and almost certainly lead to their deaths. They are dropped into Pakistan, talk their way out of a KGB trap, pose as surgeons, lose their one and only patient, escape to the Soviet Union, launch a nuclear weapon at the United States, force the missile to explode in space, and land two beautiful women.

If that doesn't sound like something you'd enjoy, you can go ahead and stop reading this blog because this is my kind of movie.

Directed by John Landis (Blues Brothers, Animal House), Spies Like Us is a throw back to the time when American movie villains were almost always Russian, the KBG couldn't shoot straight, and men in army uniforms couldn't wait to push big red buttons. In essence, this is a more believable and funnier WarGames.

Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd play mid-level government employees caught cheating on some test that would allow them to have better jobs. (The details aren't important.) As a result, they are assigned to a mission in the Soviet Union, though they aren't told specifics. They're thrown out of a plane above Pakistan and immediately surrounded by townspeople with guns. Shockingly, Chevy Chase, playing Chevy Chase in this movie, is unable to charm his way out. Luckily, their contacts come their rescue and they are on the road. Aykroyd realizes they probably aren't American and they run away, the KGB guys firing their guns uselessly in their direction.

They are picked up by another group of locals, and once again, Chevy's charms are lost on them as they are strung up by their ankles and almost killed. Luckily, the UN doctors assume they are the expected surgeons and promptly assign them to perform surgery on the town leader's brother. The brother dies as soon as Aykroyd makes his first incision (horrible luck) and they are once again on the run.

They manage to get to the Soviet Union somehow and stumble upon two of the UN "doctors," who turn out to be the US spy A team. The KGB return, one of the A Team is killed and Chevy is taken prisoner. They rescue him and find a Russian missile, which they are supposed to enter directions into. They overtake the Russian guards, launch the missile, and find out it's going to the US, where the brass in charge were looking to start WWIII. (Ain't that the way it always is?) They all decide the world is going to end and pair off of a few minutes of passion. Then Aykroyd devises a plan to divert the missile, a bit of glasnost ensues, they team up, war averted. The end.

Like most Chevy Chase comedies from the 80s, this one is a mix of intelligent humor, asides, bumbling from the protagonists, and a touch of locker room laughs. In the capable hands of Landis, it all comes together wonderfully. Aykroyd (who co-wrote the movie as well) is of course great with Chevy, who essentially plays the same role he does in every movie. (Think Fletch or National Lampoon Vacation.)

Take the scene in the first act when they are caught cheating. Dan Aykroyd, the straight man, sits next to Chevy, whom he doesn't know yet, and watches him cheat in increasingly inventive ways: He reads notes from the back of an eye patch, then from his cast (fake arm injury), unspools paper from his mouth, and finally writes "What does KGB stand for" on the back of the test and clears his throat to get Aykroyd's attention. (This also gets the attention of the proctor, Frank Oz.) That builds to Chevy standing up, shouting "I can't take the pressure" walking up and down the aisle looking at everyone's papers for answers before collapsing on the ground. Aykroyd says he knows CRP, falls on top of him and they discuss more answers on the floor, with everyone watching. (That's when the surveillance footage cuts off.) It's sublimely silly and performed by two comedians at the height of their game. It's infinitely rewatchable.

I miss the days when movies routinely took shots at the Soviet Union, a threat so immense yet distant that it was fun to laugh off. It's harder to laugh off the far more recent attacks by fundamentalists, attacks which hit closer to home and forever changed our way of life. (But we can bring knives on planes again!)

I enjoyed the heck out of this movie. I downgrade it one Patrick Swayze ab, however, for the incompetence of the KGB and the guards at the missile site. I'm not looking for historical accuracy in a John Landis movie, but the Soviets weren't our biggest threat because they couldn't take out Dan Aykroyd.

Spies Like Us: 5 out of 6 Patrick Swayze Abs

Weird Science - Where no one knows what "science" is

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I’m on a John Hughes roll, but this one should keep rolling. I’d seen this one as a young man, and it held a higher position in my memory than it will now. Many of the same themes from The Breakfast Club appear here, but they are accompanied by awful, awful racism (Anthony Michael Hall doing an entire scene drunk and in a “Black voice” which is neither funny nor short-lived), Bill Paxton being turned into a Jabba the Hutt-type disgusting blob, and

The plot: Anthony Michael Hall and some other guy who can’t act at all are lonely and home alone for the weekend so they use a “computer” to create a beautiful life-like woman (seriously, watch this clip), who then takes a shower with them, goes to the mall, throws a party, wreaks havoc at the party, and then masterminds it so two popular girls will fall for them. Along the way, Robert Downey Jr. falls for the fake woman (Lisa) and he tries to get the guys to make a second woman for him and his friend. That fails, but then Lisa sends in some scary biker dudes who confront our “heroes” by taking the popular girls. The guys stand them down, the damsels are non-distressed, and Bill Paxton learns to be nice to his younger brother.

Look, this movie has no higher purpose, nor does it claim them. It’s stupid, goofy, non-sensical, and that would be fine if it were innocent fun. But there’s just enough racism, just enough misogyny to make it uncomfortable at times, and unfunny the rest. And for a movie with an outrageous plot, it’s surprisingly unoriginal. That racist voice AMH does here? He did two sentences of it in The Breakfast Club. In both movies he also claims to have a girlfriend in Canada. (Is this something people did before the Internet?) And again, it’s the cool kids against the losers, who find common ground when (contrived) challenges arise.

Enough of this. Don’t watch this. Watch any other John Hughes movie. Pick any one.

Weird Science: 1 of Patrick Swayze’s abs.

The Breakfast Club - Where the only meal is lunch

EAT MY SHORTS!

I had seen The Breakfast Club in parts many times growing up but I don’t remember ever actually seeing it start to finish. That changed last night.

It’s safe to say that I had very little in common with any of these characters. My home life was pretty awesome, so I never felt compelled to beat up a kid in the locker room or pretend to be a nymphomaniac or get an earring. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy the movie. Sure, it’s teenage hormones gone wild, but it’s a very efficient character study for each of the five stereotypes who get detention Saturday morning. And in the end, everyone finds love … except Anthony Michael Hall, who unfortunately will never find true love.

I don’t have to tell you the story here. Five kids, each coincidentally a different stereotype, end up with detention on a Saturday. They all did different things, but only AMH failed to kill himself on school grounds and instead had his flare gun go off in his locker. You’ll never believe this, but they all bond through their hatred of a common enemy, Principal Richard Vernon, a little pot, and a typically 80s melodramatic weep fest of teen angst, “no one understands me,” high school feelings. “Well everyone’s home life is unsettling. If it wasn’t, we’d all live with our parents our whole lives.” Wisdom from the moths of babes.

The performances are all terrific, though. Even Judd Nelson as the brooding, shouting “burner” is convincingly messed up. And it’s easy to believe AMH as a member of the Math Club, Physics Club, and Latin Club. (I was only in two of those, so I’m like way cooler.)

Since this is an 80s movie, there needs to be an awesome montage. And this one has two great ones. The first is of the kids running back to the library, while the second sees them dancing in the library after the incident with the weed and the tearful confessions.

The movie takes place over just 8 hours, but you feel as if you know each of the characters well by the end. So when Judd Nelson happily jumps with joy after getting Molly Ringwald’s diamond earring, you feel good for him.

I do, however, take exception to one of the resolutions at the end. Emilio Estevez and Ally Sheedy end up getting together, but only after Molly Ringwald gives her a complete makeover. His friends would never let him be with her as she was, but if she’s willing to be a different person, then it’s okay.

For that, I have to take away one of Swayze’s abs, bringing us down to 4.

Revenge of the Nerds - not horrible

As hard as it may be to believe, I had never seen this movie. Beyond that, I knew almost nothing about it. I knew the main character had an obnoxious laugh and that was it. So imagine my surprise when I saw that both Timothy Busfield and John Goodman were in this thing! Amazing.

This movie defies logic, physics, belief, and common decency. It is sexist, raciest (oh so many races), stupid, and it was actually funny at times.

The plot in a nutshell: two nerds go to Adams College (home of the Atoms) just as the jocks burn down their frat house. The football team, needing a place to stay, takes over the freshmen dorm, which knocks the freshmen into the gym until frats choose members and let them move in. Naturally, the two nerds and a collection of stereotypes (the affeminate Black gay guy; the violin-playing, thick-glasses-wearing redhead named Poindexter [Busfield!]; the booger-eating doofus; a 13-year-old geek; and others) are left out and find a house of their own.

They renovate the house and apply to start their own frat. The Greek Court (?) rejects them because they don’t have a national house backing them. So they convince the Lambda Lambda Lambda (a Black frat) to take them on. The tri-Lambs have a party, but the jerk jocks trash their house and ruin it, so they retaliate by putting Liquid Heat (?) in their jock straps and breaking into the cheerleaders’ sorority house and hooking up cameras which have the ability to see into any room in the place, even though there are just two cameras located in the attic. (I said this movie defies logic.)

Then there are the Greek Games and, naturally, the tri-Lambs win even though they are nerds. The jocks are going to beat them up but the tri-Lambs have some of their frat brothers from another school show up and protect them. The end. Oh wait, they also sing the most 80s song ever.

Seriously, though, if you wanted to show a 10-year-old what the 80s were like, this would be the perfect movie to show them. The music is terrific, the computers are excellent, and there’s even a robot maid! Seriously, 80s.

There are some good laughs in this movie, and everything Tim Busfield does is hilarious. John Goodman as a football coach is funny, but only because in a few years he’d be 50 pounds heavier and married to Roseanne Barr on her show.  And of course, there’s Ogre’s reaction when he loses the burping contest. No one – and I mean no one! – should be that upset about losing a burping contest. I’d like to make a .gif of that and watch it for hours.

This is already more words than this movie deserves, so I’ll keep it simple. This is an incredibly stupid movie, but I don’t regret watching it for a second. In fact, when I saw there was a gay guy among the nerds, I was really afraid that we were going to be treated to 90 minutes of gay bashing or homophobia, but surprising, there was very little said about him. He even brought a date to the party, and no one said boo. So that was nice. The javelin throw, however, was not. This is a movie of stereotypes, but it actually treats them with love, which makes the thing watchable where many movies of this period are not. So enjoy a few laughs, relive your college days, and turn back the clock. Or watch any of the three sequels. Or watch Animal House.

Revenge of the Nerds: 3 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 abs.

Ghost, or the one with Unchained Melody

When I first saw this movie as a kid, I thoroughly enjoyed it. The concept – a man’s ghost stays on earth to avenge his murder and save the life of his girlfriend – was exciting. Carl Bruner, the movie’s villain, is an all-time bad guy; a sleazeball in the tradition of Wall Street played with an immensely hateable unpleasantness. And who could forget the iconic moments? Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore at the pottery wheel (he’s corporeal in this scene, no matter what you guys may think). Willy Lopez being dragged to Hell. Patrick Swayze embodying Whoopi Goldberg and kissing Demi one more time.

But watching the movie again this week, I was disappointed. It’s an incredibly slow build to the climax, and for a two-hour movie, not much happens. Sam Wheat (Patrick Swayze) dies early in the movie then spends the rest of the film with a series of pained/surprised/horrified looks on his face as he very slowly unravels the mystery of his death and learns of his friend’s betrayal. That’s it. With the help of a convicted con artist turned “spiritual advisor” who can hear him (Ode Mae, played by Whoopi), he exposes Carl for what he did and saves the lives of both Demi and Whoopi.

Beyond the plot, the special effects are awful. Despite this, they still make a point of emphasizing every ghost-related movement with a loud sound effect, which only draws attention to the thick black lines and green screen. I don’t totally understand why walking through a wall or pushing a soda can would produce a “WHOOSH” sound, but then again, I doubt that a ghost could apprehend its own killer.

The performances are good. Whoopi Goldberg is great interacting with first Sam’s ghost then the other ghosts that pop up. And the scene where she withdraws the stolen money, wearing a garish pink dress and hat, is genuinely funny. And of course, the Swayze faces are terrific. Demi Moore cries a lot. She’s a trooper. But really, Tony Goldwyn’s Carl steals the film. He’s just so awful, so manipulative, so condescending, and so despicable. Watching him hit on his best friend’s widow just weeks after his funeral is disgusting. And his manic behavior after losing the money he was laundering, the frantic nastiness he oozes is fantastic. I’ve never enjoyed watching someone be dragged kicking and screaming to hell more.

The movie is worth watching if only for Patrick Swayze’s hair and pants that he wears way too high. And the faces. He makes some great faces. Other than that, I’d stick with Road House or Red Dawn.

I give Ghost 3 ½ of 6 Swayze abs.

Movie epilogue - Pretty in Pink

A few years ago I decided to write epilogues for movies I had watched, guessing what happened to the main characters after the movie ended. Here is on of my favorites, from the 1980s classic, Pretty in Pink.

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Andie Walsh: After a brief fling, Andie and Blane break up. Andie moves to France to study fashion, only to find that it is 1990 and her garish dresses are not only the least popular things in Paris, but also some of the most vomited upon. Unable to find gainful employment, Andie lives on the streets for a few years, picking up a little money doing caricatures of tourists but sustaining mostly on bread from trashcans and expired cheese. She saves up enough money to come back to America, where she meets up with Steff (see below), whom she can no longer deny. The are married and have five kids: Two are douchebags, two are middling tennis players, and one is a deaf-mute named Trigg.

Blane McDonnagh: The summer of 1986 was good to Blane. Dating his best girl, Blane was on top of the world. He had forsaken his world of money and country clubs, white tuxedos and sports cars to date a down-to-earth, working class girl. However, his friends and family soon abandoned him, and having planned to live on his trust fund and therefore unprepared to find work with a high school diploma, Blane found himself penniless and alone. Depressed and able to cry at the drop of a hat (seriously, this guy cries when the bathroom is running low on toilet paper), Blane proves to be too much for Andie, who dumps him. Blane moves to Hollywood to pursue a writing career. His heartfelt script, I Left My Heart in My Benz, becomes a semi-hit in the fall of 1989, and Blane enjoys a stream of moderately successful movies before the world learns that he is in fact a man. Audiences stay away from his next feature, Vaginal Diaries,and Blane now lives in seclusion in New Mexico.

Jack Walsh: Dead. Suicide. That bit about getting over his wife? He faked it.

Duckie: Duckie had a great prom night. He lost his virginity to the drunk blond who mistook him for Steff's slightly less attractive cousin, Pucky. The next morning, after realizing what she has done, said blond slaps Duckie so hard, his hair momentarily comes unstuck. With the pain of 18 years of lies coming over him, Duckie blurts out "I'm gay!" and moves to California, where he meets the man of his dreams, Goosie. They live happily together in San Francisco.

Steff: Steff has a rough time after prom. After Blane chooses a poor girl over being his friend, Steff calls into question his entire world view. He attends Yale in the fall, but only reluctantly. He has a string of one night stands with loose women, but all the while wondering if he's right. He takes a job at his father's company following college, but only with strong, never-spoken-aloud reservations. Three years into his job, he hires a PI to track down the one girl who got away, Andie Walsh. Upon learning that she has returned to America, he tracks her down and admits he loves her. He promises to fund a clothing line for her, and she agrees to marry him. Steff realizes that having money is awesome.

Iona: Dead. Untreated staph infection.

Dirty Dancing - a better, more believable version of The Outsiders

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I kick off my Patrick Swayze love fest with another one of his period pieces, Dirty Dancing. It’s easy to compare this movie to The Outsiders, weird as it may seem, because of its look at a “simpler” time in American history. And in the comparison, Dirty Dancing comes out far, far ahead.

(Please note: I am inherently biased towards this movie because I grew up on this movie’s soundtrack, which features a Patrick Swayze original song which I may or may not have sung karaoke to last year.)

The movie centers on Francis “Baby” Houseman, whose family spends the summer of 1963 in the Catskill Mountains. This is pre-Beatles, pre-JFK assassination, where abortions are illegal and 17-year-old young ladies have no problem with the nickname “Baby.” The uptight squares spend some time in the mountains, putting up with the antics of the lowlife wait/dance staff, an almost perfect stand in for the greasers from The Outsiders. It’s soc vs. greasers again, only without the knives, collapsed church, and murder. (Or is it? Abortion – discuss!)

Baby learns that a dancer, Penny, is pregnant and needs help, though the A-word is never actually used. (“She’s in trouble.” “She needs a super secret, illegal medical procedure.” Etc.) The procedure will require that she miss a performance, so Baby volunteers to learn her part and dance with ultra-sexy dancer, Johnny Castle (Swayze). Naturally, because the dancing is sensual, they start dancing horizontally too, or as super-classy Robbie would say, Baby goes slumming.

Long story short, Dad forbids Baby from hanging out with the low-born after having to take care of Penny post-procedure (the guy didn’t even use anesthesia and messed things up). Johnny stops sleeping with his wealthy cougar to prove his love for Baby, but she learns of this young lovers’ dalliances and promptly frames his for stealing wallets, for which he is fired. Baby says it can’t be him because they were together all night, Dad is sad, Johnny is fired anyway, and then it’s the final big show of the summer.

Johnny, who always does the last song, comes despite his being firing, and finds Baby in the corner. He says Baby shouldn’t be in corners (or something to that affect) and they do the big dance, complete with the impossible lift. All the old people love it and dance despite the whiff of 1960s hippie culture on the horizon, everyone is happy, Dad finally learns Johnny wasn’t the one who “got Penny in trouble,” maybe there’s a place for this idyllic place in a rock ‘n roll world after all!

Even Emily Gilmore is impressed!

Look, this movie is cheesy and romantic, the type of movie I should hate. But I just can’t. It’s a nostalgic look at the early 1960s, when the baby boomers ruined the world for war heroes. It’s an honest depiction of the way things were, it features a believable love story, and the chemistry between Swayze and Jennifer Grey is great. She shows genuine attraction from the beginning, and he exudes palpable hatred which slowly turns to lust, as these things do. The soundtrack is fantastic and never intrusive, and the scenes never drag or take me out of the story.

If you’re only going to watch one soc. vs. greaser Patrick Swayze movie, make it this one!

The Outsiders - a negative review

A few months back I read the excerpt from Rob Lowe’s book where he talked about being cast in The Outsiders. It got me interested, and I finally picked it up from the library and watched it last night.

That was my first mistake.

I had high hopes going in. Why wouldn’t I? Francis Ford Coppola directing a great cast, including the young Patrick Swayze, Matt Dylan, Tom Cruise, Rob Lowe, Ralph Macchio, C. Thomas Howell, Diane Lane, and more. But it became clear very quickly that nothing was going to save this movie.
Coppola, best I can tell, was looking for a classic movie vibe, with a score that never leaves room for the teary, melodramatic dialogue to breathe. The acting is over the top. The story starts off simply enough, where the greasers and soc don’t get along.

And then, all of a sudden, 14-year-old Ralph Macchio stabs at least three people to death.

So he goes into hiding, showing little remorse after those first few minutes. He and Howell decide to return after they hear that they can claim self-defense and only be charged with a misdemeanor. Unfortunately, before they can get there, they return to the abandoned church they had been hiding in to find it ablaze … with school children trapped inside? What are the kids doing in the church? Is this a field trip? During the week that the greasers are hiding there, we see countless wild animals - raccoons, rats, and owls - running amok here. Is this really the best place to take a school bus full of 5-year-olds?

Whatever the reason, the children are trapped. The greasers go in to save them, because the teachers are just standing around saying “I think we’re missing some kids! Oh well. Back on the bus!” The church collapses and the Karate Kid is seriously hurt.

And the story in the paper the next day declares them heroes. THEY KILLED THREE PEOPLE A WEEK AGO.

So Howell (who’s name, I may have failed to mention, is Ponyboy. His brother, Rob Lowe, is Soda Pop. These are their Christian names. You name your kid Ponyboy, can you really be surprised if he’s “an outsider?”) returns home where older brother Patrick Swayze is the man of the house. The state decides the teenagers don’t need to go to a boys home, even though, again THERE ARE THREE DEAD HIGH SCHOOLERS.

Anyway, there’s a brawl between the soc and the greasers (no weapons!) and the greasers win, probably because the soc wore their Sunday best and I have to believe that hampers your flexibility in a fight. Ponyboy goes to tell Karate Kid the good news, but he dies after telling him to “stay golden” and painfully and without subtlety explaining the meaning of a Robert Frost poem.

I haven’t mentioned Matt Dylan yet. He gets top billing in the movie, but his acting is absolutely atrocious. He doesn’t take the Karate Kid’s death well, robs a gas station, leads the police to the park where the murders took place, pulls out his unloaded gun and the police shoot him many times, even after he’s fallen and is just crawling on the ground. Naturally, the greasers were there to see it.
Ponyboy writes it all down. THE END.

I understand what Coppola was going for, I think. The scene, the score, the tone, the dialogue, the editing - it’s all like a 1950s movie, only with a much darker story. But it just doesn’t mesh. The crazy plot turns completely took me out of the movie. The acting - and I realize these guys are young - was cheesy, which may have been a conscious decision, but that ruined it for me.

So, I cannot recommend this movie. But it did remind me of how awesome Patrick Swayze is. And I am officially going on a bender of his movies. So stay tuned!