Footloose - where young, skinny Kevin Bacon teaches a town to dance

I assume you all know the plot of this movie, so rather than unsuccessfully review it, I’m just going to repost what I live-tweeted while watching it tonight. Enjoy! (Or don’t. I don’t care.)

• Kevin Bacon drives to school the first day with his music way too loud. No way that's gonna fly 
• I knew it was going to be trouble - $25 fine. Shoulda stayed off the lawn.
• Can you get a papercut from a laminated Illinois driver's license?
• Um ... Kevin Bacon is a gymnast? He's the complete package.
• I enjoy how their "Southern" accents come and go from scene to scene.
• There are definitely not enough tractor chicken fights in American movies
• I can honestly say I never thought I'd see Kevin Bacon drive a tractor.
• "Oh no, the frustrated dance scene!" - my wife

• I love 80s movies - what happened to having montages of scenes from the first 30 minutes of the movie half an hour in?
• Run away, Kevin Bacon! This chick is crazy!
• Can't believe John Lithgow slapped her. Then told his wife that people just run out of things to say.
• If nothing else, #Footloose has a great soundtrack.
• Attention - second montage of the movie! And this one has Chris Penn and Kevin Bacon dancing together, sharing a walkman.

• I knew I recognized her red boots - Ted Mosby stole them! #Footloose #HIMYM
• She's getting hit in the face a lot. I could probably do without all this.
• At least she finally convinced Kevin Bacon to kiss her. Black eye and all.
• "I just know when children dance, they become sexually irresponsible." John Lithgow just described my 7th grade dance
• Can a woman really get fired because her son is planning a dance? I smell lawsuit!
• "Fraught with genuine peril" I want to go to the dances that John Lithgow must have attended in the 60s! They sound super fun.
• Oh snap! Bible says dancing is great. Your move, Reverend sex party.
• Also, did no one ever notice that what's her face got beaten up by her ex-boyfriend? That was quite a black eye she got.
• A good old fashion book burning! I'd say it's like 19th century America, but it's really 21st century North Carolina.
• The preacher stops the book burning. He's turning! A dance can't be far behind.
• The preacher came around! Kevin Bacon is smiling! This is happening, people! Dancing! Fornication!
• Maybe no one is dancing because this song is awful ...
• It's true! John Lithgow heard a song outside the dance and kissed his wife. Devil's work!
• This is definitely the best dance-fight since West Side Story.

• I need a glitter cloud every time I enter a room.
• Little known fact: American Glitter Company stock rose 300% following the release of this movie.
• There are probably going to be 39 new babies nine months after this dance.
• Movie over. Dance a success. No alcohol. No babies. I'd say it was a great success. Aside from those 4 unconscious bullies outside.

This was a fun movie. I'd never actually seen it from start to finish, and for that I am very sorry. I probably would have been a dancer had I seen this movie in the 80s. Instead, what am I? Not Kevin Bacon, I'll tell you that.

Footloose: 5 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 abs.

Heathers - where the guns go clique

So to say that this movie was not what I expected would be putting it mildly. In short order, our protagonists JD (Christian Slater) and Veronica (Winona Ryder) murder three people, making the first (Heather 1) look like a suicide by toxic cleaner and the last two a double suicide involving pistols at dawn. It is only after the second set of murders that Veronica develops something approaching remorse and breaks up with JD, who has already begun planning the next fake suicide for the second of three Heathers. JD decides to go out with a bang and rigs the school to explode while everyone is gathered for a Friday pep rally. Veronica stops the explosion, but JD, explosives strapped to this chest, blows himself up outside the school for a final suicide

Describing this movie as a comedy is a bit misleading, though there are undoubtedly funny parts. But this movie is dark, though well done, and many of the laughs are either at the expense of the characters or in spite of the otherwise tragic events going on in this school, where students are dropping like flies.

To be honest, I’m not sure how to process this movie. It was good – I can’t dispute that. The teenage angst is portrayed well – far better than in something like The Breakfast Club – but once JD and Veronica kill the first Heather, the movie takes an abrupt turn and becomes farce. The parents are aloof and uninterested in their children, while the teachers seem more concerned with how many hours to cancel in the wake of the death rather than actually worrying about how the students are feeling or coping. It’s a unique commentary on that “woe is me” mindset of teenagers, and told from that perspective (and Veronica’s diary), it’s a strong statement.

But did I like it? I’m not sure. So instead, I’m just going to ask a bunch of questions.

Was there really a time a kid like JD could not only bring a gun to school but also point it at two students and shoot (blanks) and not even get suspended?

What exactly did Veronica and JD expect would happen after serving Heather a glass of Draino? They seem so surprised that she’s died. “This is my life now?” Probably should’ve thought this through a bit more.

Did teachers really smoke in their morning meetings in the late 1980s?

How could Veronica really think that there was such a thing as Ich lüge bullets that merely pierced the skin and caused a little bit of bleeding?

Whatever happened to Christian Slater? I feel like he’s been in a dozen television shows that didn’t last more than 6 episodes each.

What sort of song is “Teenage Suicide Don’t Do It?” Who is the intended audience?

Are police really just going to believe two football players killed each other in their underwear in the woods because they were secretly gay only because there was a letter found nearby? That doesn’t sound fishy enough to warrant any type of follow up?

So Veronica shot JD in the boiler room in an attempt to stop him from blowing up the school. Seems fine. Is anyone going to walk down there and see ALL THE BLOOD and wonder what happened? And Veronica just strolls back in the school, covered in ash and, presumably, bits of JD. No one stops and asks what happened? Is she okay? Talk about self-absorbed teenagers.

Heathers: 3 out of 6 Patrick Swayze abs

Extra abs

 - It probably sounds like I didn’t like this movie, but I did appreciate much of it. Lots of funny lines.

- “Great pâté, but I’ve got to motor if I’m going to make that funeral.”

- “My son’s a homosexual and I love him. I love my gay dead son.”

- “Now I've seen a lot of bullshit. Angel dust. Switchblades. Sexually perverse photography exhibits involving tennis rackets.”

- “Save the speech for Malcolm X.”

- “I don’t patronize rabbits!”

- The “kid says what Dad would, Dad says what kid would” thing JD and his dad do is clever. 

- Also, Shannen Doherty. Ha.