License to Kill - where a license isn't really necessary

License to Kill (1989) is an amazing movie in that it exists. Timothy Dalton’s second and last turn as James Bond, the film opens with the interruption of the wedding for Felix, Bond’s CIA buddy. The pair arrive late to the wedding having captured – midair – a drug lord (Franz Sanchez, played by Robert Davi) who, naturally, breaks out, tortures Felix with a shark and kills his new bride just hours after the ceremony. This isn’t your father’s Bond. The usually calm 007 spends the movie vengefully tracking down those responsible and, even with his license revoked, kills liberally throughout.

License to Kill combines many of the best parts of James Bond with the 1980s and does so much more successfully than the last two Roger Moore films, Octopussy and A View to a Kill. Those fantastic Bond motifs include: needlessly elaborate villainous plots (here: drug deals involving televangelist Professor Joe Butcher), cheesy fake blood, sharks as weapons, a villain named Killifer, a girl working for the villain whom Bond turns, and an impossibly expansive, secret villain compound where Bond is initially a guest but is soon placed into overly-complicated scenarios to escape from (spoiler: he escapes).

The film is also darker than anything Sean Connery or Roger Moore did, certainly influenced by other 80s action movies that trafficked in moody, brooding heroes and cruel, maniacal antagonists. Bond even has a male sidekick for once when one of Felix’s CIA buddies insists on helping him track down the drug kingpin. Dalton uses fewer puns and one-liners than previous Bonds, but really, was he going to say “He really put his best foot forward!” after his friend loses a leg to a shark?

The performances are precisely what you’d expect from a Bond movie. Dalton is confident in the role, even if he lacks some of the charm that Connery originally brought to the character. Davi and Benicio Del Toro are manic, deranged, and menacing as the drug lords, and the Bond girls, Pam Bouvier and Lupe Lamora, make for strong, gun-toting female companions, even if their characters are a little underdeveloped. (Shocking for a Bond movie, I know.)

License to Kill is a fun movie, but by no means a great movie. While it’s darker than all other Bond movies (before the Daniel Craig trilogy, at least), the film lacks any real nuance and seems to relish finding horrible, gruesome ways for people to die for no reason other than shock value. The action scenes are crazy, of course, and there’s plenty of gunplay and explosions to keep everyone happy. The plot, while more comprehensible than some silly Bond plots before it, still relies on villains doing stupid things and being unable to just shoot Bond in the head when given the chance. But if you went to a Bond movie in 1989 expecting something else, you clearly hadn’t seen the previous 15 movies.

For some reason, the film killed the Bond franchise for six years and marked the end of Dalton’s brief, two-movie run as 007. Goofy and over-the-top at times, License to Kill is still a good James Bond movie, and Dalton made for a good, if unique, James Bond.

License to Kill: 4 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 abs

Extra abs

-       There are actually black people in this movie who aren’t waiters or bellhops, another welcome departure from previous Bond movies.

-       Bond does it all in this one: he flies, he drives, he runs, he swims, he kills, he womanizes, and he wins.

-       Sanchez learns that one of his cronies has been stealing from him. Instead of shooting him, he throws him in one of his ships decompression chambers, turns up the pressure, then cuts the vent. The guy’s head expands and explodes. Science!

-       There are a few good one-liners. Bond, after his license is revoked and asked to turn in his pistol: “A farewell to arms, then.” Even his jokes are based on melancholy, bleak 20^th-century literature.

-       Other possible one-liners for Felix losing a leg:

o   “He always wanted to take a bite out of crime.”

o   “He was never afraid to go out on a limb.”

o   “Have any legs? Go fish.”

-       This was the last movie in which Desmond Llewelyn played Q. I’m sure he’s building exploding watches for Jesus in Heaven as we speak.

Teen Wolf - where howling at the moon is optional

Teen Wolf is the story of Peter Parker becoming Spider-Man without actually using his powers for good. In essence, it’s the Wolf’s origin story, only the hero ultimately comes to realize that his superpowers aren’t truly necessary for him to succeed in his quest: winning a high school basketball game. This is a superhero who doesn’t bother thinking too big, who enjoys belittling his friends and teammates, and who doesn’t want anonymity because if you can’t use your powers to make yourself more popular, what’s the point

Approaching the story as a failed superhero movie, one finds it hard to root for Scott Howard. Blessed with these skills, he parties, steals someone’s girlfriend, insults his friends, strings Boof along, and remains friends with Stiles, without a doubt one of the worst human beings ever conceived of.

And what are the rules for werewolves in this universe? He turns into a wolf at first when he’s mad or horny, but after his first basketball game, when he’s accepted by everyone immediately, he spends most of his time as the Wolf and changes at will. He has super hearing and smell, but also can jump five feet in the air and suddenly becomes a straight-A student without studying. 

That’s not to say the movie is without its charms. Michael J. Fox is as wonderful as always and really has fun in the manic role of Scott Howard, nerd, and Scott Howard, Teen Wolf. Michael Cera does a great awkward Michael J. Fox impression, but he could never play the confident, strutting Wolf. Fox is really one a kind. Mark Arnold also plays a wonderful 80s movie villain in Mick, the rival high school’s star basketball player. "Stick with your own kind, you freak!"

We've seen much of this story before. The nerd undergoes a drastic change, becomes popular, dates the most popular girl in school, alienates his best friends as fame goes to his head, realizes his mistakes at the last possible moment, kisses his female friend who’s been there the whole time, and finds the happy medium between popularity and his old life. It's really no surprise when, in the big game, Scott shows up sans wolf and hits the game-winning free throws with no time to go. He's grown up and won both the game and the girl.

So maybe it's not so much an origin story but a coming of age story. One for the beast in all of us.

Teen Wolf: 3 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 abs

Extra abs

• The basketball coach is terrific in how little he cares about either the game or his players. “There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours of sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never go near a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.”
• “With a great power comes a greater responsibility,” Scott's father (also a werewolf) tells his son. It’s almost exactly the lesson Spider-Man learns over and over. 
• That responsibility, apparently, includes visiting his son's school and terrifying the principal into peeing his pants in the hallway.
• As much as I love Jason Bateman, I will NOT be reviewing Teen Wolf 2.

Top Gun - where the danger zone is everywhere

Top Gun is that rare movie where things that shouldn’t work actually make the movie better. The acting is incredibly over the top, the plot makes little sense, the villains are faceless and ambiguous (we never actually know where the MIGs are from), and series of implausible events (and timely exposition) pop up out of nowhere to move the plot forward and the characters wherever they need to end up. And yet, I can’t help loving this movie.

I admit a lot of it is probably nostalgia. I can’t count the number of times I saw this movie growing up back when I didn’t really care about huge plot holes or that characters’ motivations turned on a dime. It’s the quintessential 80s blockbuster: an incredible soundtrack (“something something DANGER ZONE!” as Archer would say); a moody protagonist fighting demons (think Lethal Weapon with far fewer suicidal tendencies); an unsurprising lack of minorities; one-note, underdeveloped antagonists (seriously – you can’t even see their eyes!); a shouting authority figure who reluctantly accepts the foolishness of the movie’s lead (Beverly Hills Cop, Lethal Weapon again); and a final battle scene where we think the protagonist’s demons will overwhelm him, only to see him triumph over evil once and for all (every Rocky sequel). Cliché, cheesy, and oh so enjoyable.

Maverick (Tom Cruise) is a hot shot Navy pilot serving in the Middle East with his partner, Goose (Anthony Edwards), who has an encounter with a mysterious enemy “MIG” aircraft before being sent to Top Gun, flight school for the best of the best. There they will train with other pilots for the title of Top Gun, a very prestigious award whose winner will be immortalized on a plague almost no one will see. Maverick also has daddy issues; his father died in a mysterious incident a few years back, and the official story is it was all his fault. This comes up a few times, so you would be correct in assuming this hang over the movie until the last possible minute, when the plot requires that he find out the truth.

At Top Gun, Maverick falls for his female instructor, a specialist in MIGs, and battles his main rival Ice Man (Val Kilmer – he’s everywhere!) both in the air and on the volleyball court. You remember this volleyball scene: three shirtless men sweating and hugging a lot and trying to include Anthony Edwards, who unfortunately didn’t the shirtless memo. The fun is short lived as Maverick and Goose go down in a training exercise in which Goose somehow dies. Maverick is devastated and basically drops out of Top Gun. He meets with the head guy (and also first Top Gun winner!), who tells him that he both has enough credits to graduate (sure) and that he was there – the accident was not his father’s fault and he in fact died heroically. It’s unclear why no one can know about this, but I assume it’s so we can see a moody, hilariously depressed Tom Cruise bumble around for a few scenes.

Coincidentally, there is a MIG attack during graduation, and the only hope are the new graduates. Ice Man, newly crowned Top Gun, takes the lead and Maverick is called in as back up, should the other planes need it. Naturally, they do. Ice Man doesn’t trust Maverick, but when it’s clear the MIGs outnumber the good guys, the Navy sends in a single backup jet (Maverick’s) and he of course saves the day. They return to the carrier to much rejoicing, and Ice Man and Maverick hug. “You can be my wingman any day!” Maverick also throws his father’s dog tags, which he’s worn around his neck and on his shoulders, into the ocean because SYMBOLISM!

This is a Michael Bay movie, so subtlety is prohibited. There’s also amble machismo, little diversity, and only two women in the movie. But sometimes, you just feel the need. The need for speed. This is a brainless, thoroughly enjoyable escape. The flight scenes are done remarkably well, and I remember hearing years ago they borrowed actual Navy jets (and had to promise not to crash any.) It’s amazing what a difference using real equipment makes in a movie; in the age of CGI, over-the-top effects, this movie is a nice throwback to the days of real stunts with real machines. Even if the acting and story are hard to believe, the action sequences are very enjoyable. This movie succeeds because of the cheese, not in spite of it, and it holds up remarkably well as a piece of 1980s, cold war action.

Top Gun: 4 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 abs

Planes, Trains & Automobiles - where getting there is half the battle

Long before Chris Farley and ­David Spade took to the road in Tommy Boy, Steve Martin and John Candy had a trip from hell in Planes, Trains & Automobiles in which they are hilariously tortured, repeatedly, on various modes of transportation throughout the Midwest. Steve Martin is the straight man again in this movie, bouncing from rage to more rage usually because of John Candy, although others also irritate him along the way. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and it’s great one -liners and sight gags. This is a typical Steve Martin character, a man who is smarter than everyone else but has to put up with the idiocy that surrounds him. (See also: Three Amigos, L.A. Story, Father of the Bride, etc.) I can see how some people would be turned off by this, but I’ve also enjoyed it and him, and this is no exception.

The movie starts out rather plausibly, as these things do, with Steve Martin’s character hurrying to catch a flight from NYC to Chicago to get home for Thanksgiving. After having trouble hailing a taxi, he finally winds up at the airport in time to board his flight, where he’s sitting next to John Candy, who just stole a cab from him (though not entirely on purpose.) AWKWARD!

John Candy’s character is chatty, which irritates Steve Martin, and when a snowstorm throws the plane off course to land in Kansas City, Candy, a shower curtain hook salesman, helpfully offers to share his hotel room with Martin, since all the hotels are now booked. What ensues is a comedy of odd couple moments, topped by Martin accidentally using the water that Candy’s socks are soaking in to brush his teeth.

More than once, Martin tries to escape, but the two invariably end up on a train together, hitchhiking, and eventually renting a car together in a frantic attempt to get home in time for the holiday. Driving late one night, Candy ends up on the wrong side of the interstate and narrowing avoids colliding with a big rig. They climb out of the car just before it erupts in fire, a Candy cigarette having landed in the back seat.

This does not deter them! They continue in the car, somehow still running, until a police office pulls them over because the car is not road worthy, lacking a top, mirrors, most of the windows, and the trunk. They manage to hitch a ride in the back of a freezer truck and wind up at Martin’s home. He invites Candy, who we learn is a widower and talks to mask his loneliness, to stay for the holiday. Everyone’s friends!

As I said, the movie has some very funny parts. When they almost hit the big truck, the pair are grasping so tightly to the steering wheel/dashboard (respectfully) that they have to peel their fingers from 10 holes in the dash and a mangled steering wheel. John Candy, after the pair lose their wallets and money, sells his shower curtain hooks as jewelry to make money, convincing passers-by of their stylish design. And of course, Steve Martin has a typical movie freak out moment at the car rental place at a very chipper attendant that I don’t want to spoil but contains very colorful and inventive profanity. Fun for the whole family!

Planes, Trains and Automobiles: 5 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 abs.

Willow - where the people are little, but the adventure isn't

I live tweeted Willow last night, and in case you missed it, we reproduce it below.

(Background: A prophecy proclaims that a baby will bring the ruin of the Queen. Naturally, she wants all babies dead. A midwife sneaks a young girl – who has the telltale birthmark – out of the dungeons and places her in a river. A little people couple finds her, but the little people village is afraid to keep her because hound-hogs (yes) track her down before they’re killed. Willow and a fellowship of the baby must return the baby to the Queen to protect themselves from future hoggings.Or will they?)

0:20 That’s right – Ron Howard and George Lucas combined to make an all-time classic.

4:22 Willow is definitely the Moses of little people.

5:42 Willow is a great example of George Lucas doing right – come up with the story, let someone more talented direct.

7:08 “I had those bangs when I was her age because my Mom cut my hair. It was unfortunate.” – the wife

9:35 Poor Willow. No one in his house listens to him. That will probably make it easier for him to pick up and leave for adventure.

11:09 It’s probably sizist of me, but I swear that’s Peter Dinklage in the background of this magic scene.

11:35 Also, there’s a magic scene.

18:35 “The bones have spoken!” Willow has to return the Moses girl to the big people.

20:18 Magic acorns. This story is getting good.

27:28 Val Kilmer is locked in a cage and “cursing” (“measly little pecks!”) at the fellowship of the baby.

29:40: Burglekutt just called Willow a runt. That's not very open minded of him.

30:44 So Val Kilmer is just locked in a cage that’s dangling above the ground in the middle of nowhere. Naturally, the little people camp out in front of him.

30:44 That is to say Willow and his buddy. The rest of the little people abandon the mission not 3 minutes in.

34:27 There also seems to be a war of some sort. Val Kilmer wants to join the armies marching by … but he’s all tied up. (Get it?)

35:58 And the little ones free Val Kilmer, who promises to feed and clean the baby. It’s now three men and a baby time!

36:52 We’re just bouncing from one movie homage to the next.

38:28 Now an even tinier dude riding an owl stole the baby and flies over head. Littler people tie Willow up, a la Gulliver’s Travels.

41:22 The wood faerie has given the baby back to Willow. He’s now tasked with overthrowing the queen or everyone dies. No pressure!

46:24 Kevin Pollack (the littler guy) inhaled some love potion and fell in love with a cat. This is happening.

47:56 Why yes, that is Val Kilmer in drag fighting off the advances of a large, drunk man. Why do you ask?

49:54 Adventure back on! Valerie Kilmer using the apples in her bra to fight off the Queen’s search party.

53:49 Sorry I went silent there. I was totally immersed in / turned on by that cross dressing fight scene.

56:17 Fantastic Val Kilmer scream there. Unnecessary, high pitched, and beautiful.

58:44 Gotta be honest: I remembered this movie being more fighting, less walking.

1:02:40 And the great sorcerer … is a rat.

1:04:06 Val Kilmer got captured again. For a great warrior he sure gets tied up a lot.

1:05:40 And we’re walking again.

1:07:31 The bad guy has a Skeletor mask. I sort of want to root for him now.

1:10:37 Now Val Kilmer got a face full of broken heart dust. He seems more high than lovelorn, though.

1:11:53 And he spies the bad lady and falls in love. But 10 minutes ago he said he hated her! I smell sitcom!

1:14:43 Finally some sword play! And then he drops it to ride down the hill on a sled with Willow and the baby.

1:21:17 Very nice of Sorsha not to speak while they kidnapped her and then rode off with her.

1:24:32 She escaped, but not without a longing look at Val. That’s going to be called back, right?

1:27:01 Two things: Val found some awesome armor with white hair flowing from the helmet. And the sorcerer is a goat now.

1:29:06 Trolls are awful, I know, but did he really deserve to be turned into a bleeding, pus-covered brain thing?

1:30:49 It’s amazing how little special effects improved between Return of the Jedi and Jurassic Park.

1:33:48 What turns Sorsha on? Watching Val kill some trolls. She straight up walked over and kissed him after he killed a few.

1:34:40 And she seems to be full on fighting her former allies now.

1:35:07 And Skeletor has the baby. But now the fellowship has a new member: Sorsha!

1:37:56 The queen can apparently turn everyone into pigs. I speak literally now. Still happy you turned on your mother, Sorsha?

1:39:05 And of course, rather than just killing the baby and being done with it, there has to be a “ritual.”

1:42:00 You’ll be happy to know Willow turned the sorceress back into a human, and she’s now turning the pigs back to warriors. War is on!

1:44:42 So it’s morning now, and the baby is still alive. That’s some long ritual.

1:46:25 Stupid bad guys! You fell for the old “horses and men hiding underneath blankets outside the castle door” trick!

1:48:20 Seriously. Forget doing a ritual this long. How is the queen even still awake? It’s been a long, long time.

1:49:11 Also, in less than 2 days, Sorsha has gone from doing everything Mom says to trying to kill her. Character development!

1:54:48 Skeletor put up a good fight, but ultimately, getting stabbed three times and thrown off a building proved to be his undoing.

1:56:04 The magic acorns! You probably forgot about them, huh? Well they didn’t work.

1:57:43 So it looks like lightning came and took care of the queen. That’s an insult to the term deus ex machina.

2:00:26 The baby safe, Willow returns home to wife, the Britishest midget in the world.

Well that was quite an adventure. A little bit sillier than I remembered, but still enjoyable, if only because Val Kilmer is hilarious in this movie, and sometimes even on purpose.

Willow: 3 of Patrick Swayze's 6 abs.

 

Footloose - where young, skinny Kevin Bacon teaches a town to dance

I assume you all know the plot of this movie, so rather than unsuccessfully review it, I’m just going to repost what I live-tweeted while watching it tonight. Enjoy! (Or don’t. I don’t care.)

• Kevin Bacon drives to school the first day with his music way too loud. No way that's gonna fly 
• I knew it was going to be trouble - $25 fine. Shoulda stayed off the lawn.
• Can you get a papercut from a laminated Illinois driver's license?
• Um ... Kevin Bacon is a gymnast? He's the complete package.
• I enjoy how their "Southern" accents come and go from scene to scene.
• There are definitely not enough tractor chicken fights in American movies
• I can honestly say I never thought I'd see Kevin Bacon drive a tractor.
• "Oh no, the frustrated dance scene!" - my wife

• I love 80s movies - what happened to having montages of scenes from the first 30 minutes of the movie half an hour in?
• Run away, Kevin Bacon! This chick is crazy!
• Can't believe John Lithgow slapped her. Then told his wife that people just run out of things to say.
• If nothing else, #Footloose has a great soundtrack.
• Attention - second montage of the movie! And this one has Chris Penn and Kevin Bacon dancing together, sharing a walkman.

• I knew I recognized her red boots - Ted Mosby stole them! #Footloose #HIMYM
• She's getting hit in the face a lot. I could probably do without all this.
• At least she finally convinced Kevin Bacon to kiss her. Black eye and all.
• "I just know when children dance, they become sexually irresponsible." John Lithgow just described my 7th grade dance
• Can a woman really get fired because her son is planning a dance? I smell lawsuit!
• "Fraught with genuine peril" I want to go to the dances that John Lithgow must have attended in the 60s! They sound super fun.
• Oh snap! Bible says dancing is great. Your move, Reverend sex party.
• Also, did no one ever notice that what's her face got beaten up by her ex-boyfriend? That was quite a black eye she got.
• A good old fashion book burning! I'd say it's like 19th century America, but it's really 21st century North Carolina.
• The preacher stops the book burning. He's turning! A dance can't be far behind.
• The preacher came around! Kevin Bacon is smiling! This is happening, people! Dancing! Fornication!
• Maybe no one is dancing because this song is awful ...
• It's true! John Lithgow heard a song outside the dance and kissed his wife. Devil's work!
• This is definitely the best dance-fight since West Side Story.

• I need a glitter cloud every time I enter a room.
• Little known fact: American Glitter Company stock rose 300% following the release of this movie.
• There are probably going to be 39 new babies nine months after this dance.
• Movie over. Dance a success. No alcohol. No babies. I'd say it was a great success. Aside from those 4 unconscious bullies outside.

This was a fun movie. I'd never actually seen it from start to finish, and for that I am very sorry. I probably would have been a dancer had I seen this movie in the 80s. Instead, what am I? Not Kevin Bacon, I'll tell you that.

Footloose: 5 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 abs.

Raising Arizona - where the only thing rising is my blood pressure

Raising Arizona is a loud, stupid, unfunny, improbable movie that grates on your ears as well as your faith in humanity only made worse by an ending that actively insults the audience’s intelligence. Of course, if the audience is even half as dumb as the characters in this movie, they probably wouldn’t recognize an insult to their intelligence.

I almost hesitate to summarize this movie, as it pains me to relive this trash and I fear I may suffer from PTSD, but for you, dear reader, I will press on.  Repeat (and bumbling) offender H.I. McDunnough (Nicolas Cage, in a role he was born to play) marries the local booking officer he falls for from his frequent arrests. “Ed” (Holly Hunter) cannot have babies, so the newlyweds steal a baby from a local furniture magnate, whose wife gave birth to quintuplets. Meanwhile, two of HI’s buddies (one is John Goodman) break out of prison and surprise the new family. They realize the baby is the one that was kidnapped and make off with him to get the reward money. They stop to rob a bank, as well, where the McDunnoughs catch up and get the baby back. Also at this time, a bounty hunter who shoots animals comes to get the baby. He and HI have an epic battle, which ends when HI pulls the pin from one of the grenades strapped to the bounty hunter’s chest (?) and he explodes. The McDunnoughs return the baby to the millionaire’s home, and he walks in just as they’re about to leave. He forgives them for kidnapping Nathan Jr. because, hey, they did the right thing in the end. Movie over.

That’s a dumb movie, with an ending so outrageous as to make everything that came before it worse because the characters essentially do whatever they want without consequences. The McDunnoughs not only kidnap a baby but MURDER A GUY and nothing happens. The cons break out of prison, rob a bank and kidnap a kidnapped baby and just decide to go back to jail because … they can? It’s not really explained. They simply crawl back through the hole they dug on their way out. Because it was never filled back in to, you know, prevent other people from also breaking out.

So it’s a stupid movie. But it’s also loud. Every scene in this movie has at least one, but usually multiple actors, screaming, wailing, shouting, or sobbing. There’s an entire scene where John Goodman and his brother drive a car screaming at the top of their lungs while returning to the convenience store where they left Nathan Jr. Nicolas Cage gets beaten up a number of times, which I would normally support, but he screams at the top of his lungs during each beating. And during the scene where HI has jumped in a pickup truck while trying to elude police, the two men scream repeatedly while narrowly avoiding a few crashes, and the soundtrack is a dude yodeling on top of their shouting! It’s almost as if the movie’s makers thought noise by itself constituted comedy, which probably explains why they didn’t try to include very many actual jokes.

Most disappointing was reaching the end of the movie and watching as the Coen Brothers’ names rolled by. How in the world were they allowed to make more movies after this? I’m glad they were, since The Big Lebowski, Fargo, and O Brother Where Art Thou are so great. But I’m not sure how anyone could watch this travesty of a movie and see anything good ever coming from them.

In summary: I don’t recommend this movie.

Raising Arizona: 1 of Patrick Swayze’s abs. (For John Goodman’s bumbling bank robbery, which included a bit of funny business in between shouting.)

Extra abs

- Nicolas Cage is shot at a lot in this movie, including by police officers who a) shoot at and in the homes of innocent people who are present and b) inside a grocery store, where dozens of people are shopping. This seems like a bad idea.

- I left out the part where a couple with obnoxious kids comes to meet the McDunnoughs' new baby and suggest they trade wives. There was shouting by kids and Cage alike.

- Holly Hunter is actually okay in this movie.

- This is the second movie in a row I've watched that has included a dude blowing himself up. Can we make it three in a row?

Heathers - where the guns go clique

So to say that this movie was not what I expected would be putting it mildly. In short order, our protagonists JD (Christian Slater) and Veronica (Winona Ryder) murder three people, making the first (Heather 1) look like a suicide by toxic cleaner and the last two a double suicide involving pistols at dawn. It is only after the second set of murders that Veronica develops something approaching remorse and breaks up with JD, who has already begun planning the next fake suicide for the second of three Heathers. JD decides to go out with a bang and rigs the school to explode while everyone is gathered for a Friday pep rally. Veronica stops the explosion, but JD, explosives strapped to this chest, blows himself up outside the school for a final suicide

Describing this movie as a comedy is a bit misleading, though there are undoubtedly funny parts. But this movie is dark, though well done, and many of the laughs are either at the expense of the characters or in spite of the otherwise tragic events going on in this school, where students are dropping like flies.

To be honest, I’m not sure how to process this movie. It was good – I can’t dispute that. The teenage angst is portrayed well – far better than in something like The Breakfast Club – but once JD and Veronica kill the first Heather, the movie takes an abrupt turn and becomes farce. The parents are aloof and uninterested in their children, while the teachers seem more concerned with how many hours to cancel in the wake of the death rather than actually worrying about how the students are feeling or coping. It’s a unique commentary on that “woe is me” mindset of teenagers, and told from that perspective (and Veronica’s diary), it’s a strong statement.

But did I like it? I’m not sure. So instead, I’m just going to ask a bunch of questions.

Was there really a time a kid like JD could not only bring a gun to school but also point it at two students and shoot (blanks) and not even get suspended?

What exactly did Veronica and JD expect would happen after serving Heather a glass of Draino? They seem so surprised that she’s died. “This is my life now?” Probably should’ve thought this through a bit more.

Did teachers really smoke in their morning meetings in the late 1980s?

How could Veronica really think that there was such a thing as Ich lüge bullets that merely pierced the skin and caused a little bit of bleeding?

Whatever happened to Christian Slater? I feel like he’s been in a dozen television shows that didn’t last more than 6 episodes each.

What sort of song is “Teenage Suicide Don’t Do It?” Who is the intended audience?

Are police really just going to believe two football players killed each other in their underwear in the woods because they were secretly gay only because there was a letter found nearby? That doesn’t sound fishy enough to warrant any type of follow up?

So Veronica shot JD in the boiler room in an attempt to stop him from blowing up the school. Seems fine. Is anyone going to walk down there and see ALL THE BLOOD and wonder what happened? And Veronica just strolls back in the school, covered in ash and, presumably, bits of JD. No one stops and asks what happened? Is she okay? Talk about self-absorbed teenagers.

Heathers: 3 out of 6 Patrick Swayze abs

Extra abs

 - It probably sounds like I didn’t like this movie, but I did appreciate much of it. Lots of funny lines.

- “Great pâté, but I’ve got to motor if I’m going to make that funeral.”

- “My son’s a homosexual and I love him. I love my gay dead son.”

- “Now I've seen a lot of bullshit. Angel dust. Switchblades. Sexually perverse photography exhibits involving tennis rackets.”

- “Save the speech for Malcolm X.”

- “I don’t patronize rabbits!”

- The “kid says what Dad would, Dad says what kid would” thing JD and his dad do is clever. 

- Also, Shannen Doherty. Ha.

The Secret of My Success - where the success is earned the old fashioned way

Mistaken identity, corporate espionage, and sexual intrigue. The Secret of My Success was a surprisingly funny movie starting the baby-faced Michael J. Fox between Back to Futures I and II as a Kansas college grad who moves to the big city in search of riches, falls for a girl (a Supergirl, no less) and, with some help from new friends, makes it big in perhaps the least believable – but still enjoyable – way imaginable.

After moving to the city, Brantley Foster (Michael J. Fox) convinces his “uncle” (a distant relative by marriage) to give him a job in the mailroom of their 30,000-employee company. Foster uses his access in the mailroom to study the company’s memos, stockholder reports, and other inside information to gain insights into the business. He befriends his “aunt” who quickly seduces him at her “country” estate in Connecticut, and they meet up a few more times, Foster trying in vain to avoid her advances.

Meanwhile, with the threat of a hostile takeover looming, Foster’s uncle, CEO Howard Prescott, makes cuts to raise capital, leaving a number of offices open. Foster sneaks into one, assumes a new identity and uses his mailroom resources to fulfill the requisite forms to get a secretary, office supplies, and release a memo about his own hiring. Of course, he has to maintain his job in the mailroom, so he ends up running back and forth – changing clothes in the elevator, avoiding people who know him as one identity when dressed as the other – and this is where much of the comedy derives from. It’s screwball, and Michael J. Fox has the physicality to pull it off, no matter how silly or ludicrous it becomes.

Meanwhile, Foster, as Charlton Whitfield and wearing what I have to assume is the smallest double-breasted suit ever made, falls for the female executive, Christy Wills (Helen Slater), who has been sleeping with CEO Prescott. They fall for each other and try to break things off with the old folks, though the Prescotts refuse to listen and continue their advances. The executives meet at the Prescott estate in CT to discuss options and Foster spends much of his time hobnobbing with rich people, whom Aunt Vera introduces him to in an effort to “guide him up the ladder,” as she did with Uncle.  That night the four major players all learn the truth about one another. Foster is, naturally, fired.

At work on Monday, it appears as though the company is moving forward with the takeover, and Prescott will remain with the new company. But, Foster, having raised money from his new friends and with the help of Aunt Vera (and daughter of the company’s founder (?)) has bought 50.1% of the shares of the larger company and is now running things. Prescott is fired, Foster and Wills are in love and in charge of a multi-billion dollar company. And Aunt Prescott even hooks up with Foster’s friend in the mailroom.

Look, this is a crazy movie. In no world would business people back – with millions of dollars – some 23-year-old kid they met two days earlier. Foster is, remember, working two jobs simultaneously. This isn’t a Mad Men, assume a new identity thing, break off connections to the old. This is a dude working two jobs in the same building with no one catching on. At least Clark Kent wore glasses. But I’m willing to forgive these improbabilities because this movie is a true descendant of the 1930s screwball, right down to the great, extended scene at the country house where the four major players – and one accidental participant – sneak around the house and into each other beds. Since both Foster and Prescott are looking for Wills they naturally end up together in her bed, with Prescott unwittingly putting the moves on his nephew.

And how can you not root for Michael J. Fox? He’s just so earnest, you excuse the zaniness because he’s initially overwhelmed by the situations he finds himself in but works through them, just short of laughing with us along the way.

The Secret of My Success: 4 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 Abs.

 Extra Abs

- I really hope there were people in 1987 who confused this movie with Wall Street, which opened a few months afterwards. Imagine their surprise when, instead of five minute bedroom swapping scene they get a coked-up Charlie Sheen. Had to be confusing.

- I think they were going for a “meet cute” between the two young people, but this one is more creepy than cute. Helen Slater approaches Michael J Fox at the water fountain and asks if she can have some water. He stares at her with a vacant expression on his face and watches her creepily as she drinks. She walks away and neither says anything else. Creepy.

- The soundtrack for this one is essentially one long synthesizer song. It is great.

- In true cheesy movie tradition, there is a scene in the first half of the film that flashes back to a scene that just took place 3 minutes before. You know, in case you forgot that Foster vowed to make it to the top on his own. (You should probably ignore that he does, in fact, use Vera's connections to reach the top. Not sure why they chose to point this out twice, then do the opposite.)

- The theme song says (yes) that the secret to his success is working 25 hours a day. Really, he just assumes a new identity and weasels his way into the board room. Oh, and sleeping with a millionaire also helped.

- While his neighbors have sex, bouncing his own bed off the wall, Foster uses a stick as a baton and conducts the proceedings. He also opens a can of beer at the climax, gushing the stuff on the floor. Good joke. Seems wasteful.