Raising Arizona - where the only thing rising is my blood pressure

Raising Arizona is a loud, stupid, unfunny, improbable movie that grates on your ears as well as your faith in humanity only made worse by an ending that actively insults the audience’s intelligence. Of course, if the audience is even half as dumb as the characters in this movie, they probably wouldn’t recognize an insult to their intelligence.

I almost hesitate to summarize this movie, as it pains me to relive this trash and I fear I may suffer from PTSD, but for you, dear reader, I will press on.  Repeat (and bumbling) offender H.I. McDunnough (Nicolas Cage, in a role he was born to play) marries the local booking officer he falls for from his frequent arrests. “Ed” (Holly Hunter) cannot have babies, so the newlyweds steal a baby from a local furniture magnate, whose wife gave birth to quintuplets. Meanwhile, two of HI’s buddies (one is John Goodman) break out of prison and surprise the new family. They realize the baby is the one that was kidnapped and make off with him to get the reward money. They stop to rob a bank, as well, where the McDunnoughs catch up and get the baby back. Also at this time, a bounty hunter who shoots animals comes to get the baby. He and HI have an epic battle, which ends when HI pulls the pin from one of the grenades strapped to the bounty hunter’s chest (?) and he explodes. The McDunnoughs return the baby to the millionaire’s home, and he walks in just as they’re about to leave. He forgives them for kidnapping Nathan Jr. because, hey, they did the right thing in the end. Movie over.

That’s a dumb movie, with an ending so outrageous as to make everything that came before it worse because the characters essentially do whatever they want without consequences. The McDunnoughs not only kidnap a baby but MURDER A GUY and nothing happens. The cons break out of prison, rob a bank and kidnap a kidnapped baby and just decide to go back to jail because … they can? It’s not really explained. They simply crawl back through the hole they dug on their way out. Because it was never filled back in to, you know, prevent other people from also breaking out.

So it’s a stupid movie. But it’s also loud. Every scene in this movie has at least one, but usually multiple actors, screaming, wailing, shouting, or sobbing. There’s an entire scene where John Goodman and his brother drive a car screaming at the top of their lungs while returning to the convenience store where they left Nathan Jr. Nicolas Cage gets beaten up a number of times, which I would normally support, but he screams at the top of his lungs during each beating. And during the scene where HI has jumped in a pickup truck while trying to elude police, the two men scream repeatedly while narrowly avoiding a few crashes, and the soundtrack is a dude yodeling on top of their shouting! It’s almost as if the movie’s makers thought noise by itself constituted comedy, which probably explains why they didn’t try to include very many actual jokes.

Most disappointing was reaching the end of the movie and watching as the Coen Brothers’ names rolled by. How in the world were they allowed to make more movies after this? I’m glad they were, since The Big Lebowski, Fargo, and O Brother Where Art Thou are so great. But I’m not sure how anyone could watch this travesty of a movie and see anything good ever coming from them.

In summary: I don’t recommend this movie.

Raising Arizona: 1 of Patrick Swayze’s abs. (For John Goodman’s bumbling bank robbery, which included a bit of funny business in between shouting.)

Extra abs

- Nicolas Cage is shot at a lot in this movie, including by police officers who a) shoot at and in the homes of innocent people who are present and b) inside a grocery store, where dozens of people are shopping. This seems like a bad idea.

- I left out the part where a couple with obnoxious kids comes to meet the McDunnoughs' new baby and suggest they trade wives. There was shouting by kids and Cage alike.

- Holly Hunter is actually okay in this movie.

- This is the second movie in a row I've watched that has included a dude blowing himself up. Can we make it three in a row?