Willow - where the people are little, but the adventure isn't

I live tweeted Willow last night, and in case you missed it, we reproduce it below.

(Background: A prophecy proclaims that a baby will bring the ruin of the Queen. Naturally, she wants all babies dead. A midwife sneaks a young girl – who has the telltale birthmark – out of the dungeons and places her in a river. A little people couple finds her, but the little people village is afraid to keep her because hound-hogs (yes) track her down before they’re killed. Willow and a fellowship of the baby must return the baby to the Queen to protect themselves from future hoggings.Or will they?)

0:20 That’s right – Ron Howard and George Lucas combined to make an all-time classic.

4:22 Willow is definitely the Moses of little people.

5:42 Willow is a great example of George Lucas doing right – come up with the story, let someone more talented direct.

7:08 “I had those bangs when I was her age because my Mom cut my hair. It was unfortunate.” – the wife

9:35 Poor Willow. No one in his house listens to him. That will probably make it easier for him to pick up and leave for adventure.

11:09 It’s probably sizist of me, but I swear that’s Peter Dinklage in the background of this magic scene.

11:35 Also, there’s a magic scene.

18:35 “The bones have spoken!” Willow has to return the Moses girl to the big people.

20:18 Magic acorns. This story is getting good.

27:28 Val Kilmer is locked in a cage and “cursing” (“measly little pecks!”) at the fellowship of the baby.

29:40: Burglekutt just called Willow a runt. That's not very open minded of him.

30:44 So Val Kilmer is just locked in a cage that’s dangling above the ground in the middle of nowhere. Naturally, the little people camp out in front of him.

30:44 That is to say Willow and his buddy. The rest of the little people abandon the mission not 3 minutes in.

34:27 There also seems to be a war of some sort. Val Kilmer wants to join the armies marching by … but he’s all tied up. (Get it?)

35:58 And the little ones free Val Kilmer, who promises to feed and clean the baby. It’s now three men and a baby time!

36:52 We’re just bouncing from one movie homage to the next.

38:28 Now an even tinier dude riding an owl stole the baby and flies over head. Littler people tie Willow up, a la Gulliver’s Travels.

41:22 The wood faerie has given the baby back to Willow. He’s now tasked with overthrowing the queen or everyone dies. No pressure!

46:24 Kevin Pollack (the littler guy) inhaled some love potion and fell in love with a cat. This is happening.

47:56 Why yes, that is Val Kilmer in drag fighting off the advances of a large, drunk man. Why do you ask?

49:54 Adventure back on! Valerie Kilmer using the apples in her bra to fight off the Queen’s search party.

53:49 Sorry I went silent there. I was totally immersed in / turned on by that cross dressing fight scene.

56:17 Fantastic Val Kilmer scream there. Unnecessary, high pitched, and beautiful.

58:44 Gotta be honest: I remembered this movie being more fighting, less walking.

1:02:40 And the great sorcerer … is a rat.

1:04:06 Val Kilmer got captured again. For a great warrior he sure gets tied up a lot.

1:05:40 And we’re walking again.

1:07:31 The bad guy has a Skeletor mask. I sort of want to root for him now.

1:10:37 Now Val Kilmer got a face full of broken heart dust. He seems more high than lovelorn, though.

1:11:53 And he spies the bad lady and falls in love. But 10 minutes ago he said he hated her! I smell sitcom!

1:14:43 Finally some sword play! And then he drops it to ride down the hill on a sled with Willow and the baby.

1:21:17 Very nice of Sorsha not to speak while they kidnapped her and then rode off with her.

1:24:32 She escaped, but not without a longing look at Val. That’s going to be called back, right?

1:27:01 Two things: Val found some awesome armor with white hair flowing from the helmet. And the sorcerer is a goat now.

1:29:06 Trolls are awful, I know, but did he really deserve to be turned into a bleeding, pus-covered brain thing?

1:30:49 It’s amazing how little special effects improved between Return of the Jedi and Jurassic Park.

1:33:48 What turns Sorsha on? Watching Val kill some trolls. She straight up walked over and kissed him after he killed a few.

1:34:40 And she seems to be full on fighting her former allies now.

1:35:07 And Skeletor has the baby. But now the fellowship has a new member: Sorsha!

1:37:56 The queen can apparently turn everyone into pigs. I speak literally now. Still happy you turned on your mother, Sorsha?

1:39:05 And of course, rather than just killing the baby and being done with it, there has to be a “ritual.”

1:42:00 You’ll be happy to know Willow turned the sorceress back into a human, and she’s now turning the pigs back to warriors. War is on!

1:44:42 So it’s morning now, and the baby is still alive. That’s some long ritual.

1:46:25 Stupid bad guys! You fell for the old “horses and men hiding underneath blankets outside the castle door” trick!

1:48:20 Seriously. Forget doing a ritual this long. How is the queen even still awake? It’s been a long, long time.

1:49:11 Also, in less than 2 days, Sorsha has gone from doing everything Mom says to trying to kill her. Character development!

1:54:48 Skeletor put up a good fight, but ultimately, getting stabbed three times and thrown off a building proved to be his undoing.

1:56:04 The magic acorns! You probably forgot about them, huh? Well they didn’t work.

1:57:43 So it looks like lightning came and took care of the queen. That’s an insult to the term deus ex machina.

2:00:26 The baby safe, Willow returns home to wife, the Britishest midget in the world.

Well that was quite an adventure. A little bit sillier than I remembered, but still enjoyable, if only because Val Kilmer is hilarious in this movie, and sometimes even on purpose.

Willow: 3 of Patrick Swayze's 6 abs.