Friday, April 19, 2013

Top Gun - where the danger zone is everywhere


Top Gun is that rare movie where things that shouldn’t work actually make the movie better. The acting is incredibly over the top, the plot makes little sense, the villains are faceless and ambiguous (we never actually know where the MIGs are from), and series of implausible events (and timely exposition) pop up out of nowhere to move the plot forward and the characters wherever they need to end up. And yet, I can’t help loving this movie.

I admit a lot of it is probably nostalgia. I can’t count the number of times I saw this movie growing up back when I didn’t really care about huge plot holes or that characters’ motivations turned on a dime. It’s the quintessential 80s blockbuster: an incredible soundtrack (“something something DANGER ZONE!” as Archer would say); a moody protagonist fighting demons (think Lethal Weapon with far fewer suicidal tendencies); an unsurprising lack of minorities; one-note, underdeveloped antagonists (seriously – you can’t even see their eyes!); a shouting authority figure who reluctantly accepts the foolishness of the movie’s lead (Beverly Hills Cop, Lethal Weapon again); and a final battle scene where we think the protagonist’s demons will overwhelm him, only to see him triumph over evil once and for all (every Rocky sequel). Cliché, cheesy, and oh so enjoyable.

Maverick (Tom Cruise) is a hot shot Navy pilot serving in the Middle East with his partner, Goose (Anthony Edwards), who has an encounter with a mysterious enemy “MIG” aircraft before being sent to Top Gun, flight school for the best of the best. There they will train with other pilots for the title of Top Gun, a very prestigious award whose winner will be immortalized on a plague almost no one will see. Maverick also has daddy issues; his father died in a mysterious incident a few years back, and the official story is it was all his fault. This comes up a few times, so you would be correct in assuming this hang over the movie until the last possible minute, when the plot requires that he find out the truth.

At Top Gun, Maverick falls for his female instructor, a specialist in MIGs, and battles his main rival Ice Man (Val Kilmer – he’s everywhere!) both in the air and on the volleyball court. You remember this volleyball scene: three shirtless men sweating and hugging a lot and trying to include Anthony Edwards, who unfortunately didn’t the shirtless memo. The fun is short lived as Maverick and Goose go down in a training exercise in which Goose somehow dies. Maverick is devastated and basically drops out of Top Gun. He meets with the head guy (and also first Top Gun winner!), who tells him that he both has enough credits to graduate (sure) and that he was there – the accident was not his father’s fault and he in fact died heroically. It’s unclear why no one can know about this, but I assume it’s so we can see a moody, hilariously depressed Tom Cruise bumble around for a few scenes.

Coincidentally, there is a MIG attack during graduation, and the only hope are the new graduates. Ice Man, newly crowned Top Gun, takes the lead and Maverick is called in as back up, should the other planes need it. Naturally, they do. Ice Man doesn’t trust Maverick, but when it’s clear the MIGs outnumber the good guys, the Navy sends in a single backup jet (Maverick’s) and he of course saves the day. They return to the carrier to much rejoicing, and Ice Man and Maverick hug. “You can be my wingman any day!” Maverick also throws his father’s dog tags, which he’s worn around his neck and on his shoulders, into the ocean because SYMBOLISM!

This is a Michael Bay movie, so subtlety is prohibited. There’s also amble machismo, little diversity, and only two women in the movie. But sometimes, you just feel the need. The need for speed. This is a brainless, thoroughly enjoyable escape. The flight scenes are done remarkably well, and I remember hearing years ago they borrowed actual Navy jets (and had to promise not to crash any.) It’s amazing what a difference using real equipment makes in a movie; in the age of CGI, over-the-top effects, this movie is a nice throwback to the days of real stunts with real machines. Even if the acting and story are hard to believe, the action sequences are very enjoyable. This movie succeeds because of the cheese, not in spite of it, and it holds up remarkably well as a piece of 1980s, cold war action.

Top Gun: 4 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 abs

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Planes, Trains & Automobiles - where getting there is half the battle


Long before Chris Farley and ­David Spade took to the road in Tommy Boy, Steve Martin and John Candy had a trip from hell in Planes, Trains & Automobiles in which they are hilariously tortured, repeatedly, on various modes of transportation throughout the Midwest. Steve Martin is the straight man again in this movie, bouncing from rage to more rage usually because of John Candy, although others also irritate him along the way. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and it’s great one -liners and sight gags. This is a typical Steve Martin character, a man who is smarter than everyone else but has to put up with the idiocy that surrounds him. (See also: Three Amigos, L.A. Story, Father of the Bride, etc.) I can see how some people would be turned off by this, but I’ve also enjoyed it and him, and this is no exception.

The movie starts out rather plausibly, as these things do, with Steve Martin’s character hurrying to catch a flight from NYC to Chicago to get home for Thanksgiving. After having trouble hailing a taxi, he finally winds up at the airport in time to board his flight, where he’s sitting next to John Candy, who just stole a cab from him (though not entirely on purpose.) AWKWARD!

John Candy’s character is chatty, which irritates Steve Martin, and when a snowstorm throws the plane off course to land in Kansas City, Candy, a shower curtain hook salesman, helpfully offers to share his hotel room with Martin, since all the hotels are now booked. What ensues is a comedy of odd couple moments, topped by Martin accidentally using the water that Candy’s socks are soaking in to brush his teeth.

More than once, Martin tries to escape, but the two invariably end up on a train together, hitchhiking, and eventually renting a car together in a frantic attempt to get home in time for the holiday. Driving late one night, Candy ends up on the wrong side of the interstate and narrowing avoids colliding with a big rig. They climb out of the car just before it erupts in fire, a Candy cigarette having landed in the back seat.

This does not deter them! They continue in the car, somehow still running, until a police office pulls them over because the car is not road worthy, lacking a top, mirrors, most of the windows, and the trunk. They manage to hitch a ride in the back of a freezer truck and wind up at Martin’s home. He invites Candy, who we learn is a widower and talks to mask his loneliness, to stay for the holiday. Everyone’s friends!

As I said, the movie has some very funny parts. When they almost hit the big truck, the pair are grasping so tightly to the steering wheel/dashboard (respectfully) that they have to peel their fingers from 10 holes in the dash and a mangled steering wheel. John Candy, after the pair lose their wallets and money, sells his shower curtain hooks as jewelry to make money, convincing passers-by of their stylish design. And of course, Steve Martin has a typical movie freak out moment at the car rental place at a very chipper attendant that I don’t want to spoil but contains very colorful and inventive profanity. Fun for the whole family!

Planes, Trains and Automobiles: 5 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 abs.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Willow - where the people are little, but the adventure isn't


I live tweeted Willow last night, and in case you missed it, we reproduce it below.

(Background: A prophecy proclaims that a baby will bring the ruin of the Queen. Naturally, she wants all babies dead. A midwife sneaks a young girl – who has the telltale birthmark – out of the dungeons and places her in a river. A little people couple finds her, but the little people village is afraid to keep her because hound-hogs (yes) track her down before they’re killed. Willow and a fellowship of the baby must return the baby to the Queen to protect themselves from future hoggings.Or will they?)

0:20 That’s right – Ron Howard and George Lucas combined to make an all-time classic.

4:22 Willow is definitely the Moses of little people.

5:42 Willow is a great example of George Lucas doing right – come up with the story, let someone more talented direct.

7:08 “I had those bangs when I was her age because my Mom cut my hair. It was unfortunate.” – the wife

9:35 Poor Willow. No one in his house listens to him. That will probably make it easier for him to pick up and leave for adventure.

11:09 It’s probably sizist of me, but I swear that’s Peter Dinklage in the background of this magic scene.

11:35 Also, there’s a magic scene.

18:35 “The bones have spoken!” Willow has to return the Moses girl to the big people.

20:18 Magic acorns. This story is getting good.

27:28 Val Kilmer is locked in a cage and “cursing” (“measly little pecks!”) at the fellowship of the baby.

29:40: Burglekutt just called Willow a runt. That's not very open minded of him.

30:44 So Val Kilmer is just locked in a cage that’s dangling above the ground in the middle of nowhere. Naturally, the little people camp out in front of him.

30:44 That is to say Willow and his buddy. The rest of the little people abandon the mission not 3 minutes in.

34:27 There also seems to be a war of some sort. Val Kilmer wants to join the armies marching by … but he’s all tied up. (Get it?)

35:58 And the little ones free Val Kilmer, who promises to feed and clean the baby. It’s now three men and a baby time!

36:52 We’re just bouncing from one movie homage to the next.

38:28 Now an even tinier dude riding an owl stole the baby and flies over head. Littler people tie Willow up, a la Gulliver’s Travels.

41:22 The wood faerie has given the baby back to Willow. He’s now tasked with overthrowing the queen or everyone dies. No pressure!

46:24 Kevin Pollack (the littler guy) inhaled some love potion and fell in love with a cat. This is happening.

47:56 Why yes, that is Val Kilmer in drag fighting off the advances of a large, drunk man. Why do you ask?

49:54 Adventure back on! Valerie Kilmer using the apples in her bra to fight off the Queen’s search party.

53:49 Sorry I went silent there. I was totally immersed in / turned on by that cross dressing fight scene.

56:17 Fantastic Val Kilmer scream there. Unnecessary, high pitched, and beautiful.

58:44 Gotta be honest: I remembered this movie being more fighting, less walking.

1:02:40 And the great sorcerer … is a rat.

1:04:06 Val Kilmer got captured again. For a great warrior he sure gets tied up a lot.

1:05:40 And we’re walking again.

1:07:31 The bad guy has a Skeletor mask. I sort of want to root for him now.

1:10:37 Now Val Kilmer got a face full of broken heart dust. He seems more high than lovelorn, though.

1:11:53 And he spies the bad lady and falls in love. But 10 minutes ago he said he hated her! I smell sitcom!

1:14:43 Finally some sword play! And then he drops it to ride down the hill on a sled with Willow and the baby.

1:21:17 Very nice of Sorsha not to speak while they kidnapped her and then rode off with her.

1:24:32 She escaped, but not without a longing look at Val. That’s going to be called back, right?

1:27:01 Two things: Val found some awesome armor with white hair flowing from the helmet. And the sorcerer is a goat now.

1:29:06 Trolls are awful, I know, but did he really deserve to be turned into a bleeding, pus-covered brain thing?

1:30:49 It’s amazing how little special effects improved between Return of the Jedi and Jurassic Park.

1:33:48 What turns Sorsha on? Watching Val kill some trolls. She straight up walked over and kissed him after he killed a few.

1:34:40 And she seems to be full on fighting her former allies now.

1:35:07 And Skeletor has the baby. But now the fellowship has a new member: Sorsha!

1:37:56 The queen can apparently turn everyone into pigs. I speak literally now. Still happy you turned on your mother, Sorsha?

1:39:05 And of course, rather than just killing the baby and being done with it, there has to be a “ritual.”

1:42:00 You’ll be happy to know Willow turned the sorceress back into a human, and she’s now turning the pigs back to warriors. War is on!

1:44:42 So it’s morning now, and the baby is still alive. That’s some long ritual.

1:46:25 Stupid bad guys! You fell for the old “horses and men hiding underneath blankets outside the castle door” trick!

1:48:20 Seriously. Forget doing a ritual this long. How is the queen even still awake? It’s been a long, long time.

1:49:11 Also, in less than 2 days, Sorsha has gone from doing everything Mom says to trying to kill her. Character development!

1:54:48 Skeletor put up a good fight, but ultimately, getting stabbed three times and thrown off a building proved to be his undoing.

1:56:04 The magic acorns! You probably forgot about them, huh? Well they didn’t work.

1:57:43 So it looks like lightning came and took care of the queen. That’s an insult to the term deus ex machina.

2:00:26 The baby safe, Willow returns home to wife, the Britishest midget in the world.

Well that was quite an adventure. A little bit sillier than I remembered, but still enjoyable, if only because Val Kilmer is hilarious in this movie, and sometimes even on purpose.

Willow: 3 of Patrick Swayze's 6 abs.
 

Friday, April 5, 2013

Footloose - where young, skinny Kevin Bacon teaches a town to dance


I assume you all know the plot of this movie, so rather than unsuccessfully review it, I’m just going to repost what I live-tweeted while watching it tonight. Enjoy! (Or don’t. I don’t care.)
  • Kevin Bacon drives to school the first day with his music way too loud. No way that's gonna fly 
  • I knew it was going to be trouble - $25 fine. Shoulda stayed off the lawn.
  • Can you get a papercut from a laminated Illinois driver's license?
  • Um ... Kevin Bacon is a gymnast? He's the complete package.
  • I enjoy how their "Southern" accents come and go from scene to scene.
  • There are definitely not enough tractor chicken fights in American movies
  • I can honestly say I never thought I'd see Kevin Bacon drive a tractor.
  • "Oh no, the frustrated dance scene!" - my wife

  • I love 80s movies - what happened to having montages of scenes from the first 30 minutes of the movie half an hour in?
  • Run away, Kevin Bacon! This chick is crazy!
  • Can't believe John Lithgow slapped her. Then told his wife that people just run out of things to say.
  • If nothing else, #Footloose has a great soundtrack.
  • Attention - second montage of the movie! And this one has Chris Penn and Kevin Bacon dancing together, sharing a walkman.




  • I knew I recognized her red boots - Ted Mosby stole them! #Footloose #HIMYM
  • She's getting hit in the face a lot. I could probably do without all this.
  • At least she finally convinced Kevin Bacon to kiss her. Black eye and all.
  • "I just know when children dance, they become sexually irresponsible." John Lithgow just described my 7th grade dance
  • Can a woman really get fired because her son is planning a dance? I smell lawsuit!
  • "Fraught with genuine peril" I want to go to the dances that John Lithgow must have attended in the 60s! They sound super fun.
  • Oh snap! Bible says dancing is great. Your move, Reverend sex party.
  • Also, did no one ever notice that what's her face got beaten up by her ex-boyfriend? That was quite a black eye she got.
  • A good old fashion book burning! I'd say it's like 19th century America, but it's really 21st century North Carolina.
  • The preacher stops the book burning. He's turning! A dance can't be far behind.
  • The preacher came around! Kevin Bacon is smiling! This is happening, people! Dancing! Fornication!
  • Maybe no one is dancing because this song is awful ...
  • It's true! John Lithgow heard a song outside the dance and kissed his wife. Devil's work!
  • This is definitely the best dance-fight since West Side Story.
  • I need a glitter cloud every time I enter a room.
  • Little known fact: American Glitter Company stock rose 300% following the release of this movie.
  • There are probably going to be 39 new babies nine months after this dance.
  • Movie over. Dance a success. No alcohol. No babies. I'd say it was a great success. Aside from those 4 unconscious bullies outside.
This was a fun movie. I'd never actually seen it from start to finish, and for that I am very sorry. I probably would have been a dancer had I seen this movie in the 80s. Instead, what am I? Not Kevin Bacon, I'll tell you that.

Footloose: 5 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 abs.