Planes, Trains & Automobiles - where getting there is half the battle

Long before Chris Farley and ­David Spade took to the road in Tommy Boy, Steve Martin and John Candy had a trip from hell in Planes, Trains & Automobiles in which they are hilariously tortured, repeatedly, on various modes of transportation throughout the Midwest. Steve Martin is the straight man again in this movie, bouncing from rage to more rage usually because of John Candy, although others also irritate him along the way. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and it’s great one -liners and sight gags. This is a typical Steve Martin character, a man who is smarter than everyone else but has to put up with the idiocy that surrounds him. (See also: Three Amigos, L.A. Story, Father of the Bride, etc.) I can see how some people would be turned off by this, but I’ve also enjoyed it and him, and this is no exception.

The movie starts out rather plausibly, as these things do, with Steve Martin’s character hurrying to catch a flight from NYC to Chicago to get home for Thanksgiving. After having trouble hailing a taxi, he finally winds up at the airport in time to board his flight, where he’s sitting next to John Candy, who just stole a cab from him (though not entirely on purpose.) AWKWARD!

John Candy’s character is chatty, which irritates Steve Martin, and when a snowstorm throws the plane off course to land in Kansas City, Candy, a shower curtain hook salesman, helpfully offers to share his hotel room with Martin, since all the hotels are now booked. What ensues is a comedy of odd couple moments, topped by Martin accidentally using the water that Candy’s socks are soaking in to brush his teeth.

More than once, Martin tries to escape, but the two invariably end up on a train together, hitchhiking, and eventually renting a car together in a frantic attempt to get home in time for the holiday. Driving late one night, Candy ends up on the wrong side of the interstate and narrowing avoids colliding with a big rig. They climb out of the car just before it erupts in fire, a Candy cigarette having landed in the back seat.

This does not deter them! They continue in the car, somehow still running, until a police office pulls them over because the car is not road worthy, lacking a top, mirrors, most of the windows, and the trunk. They manage to hitch a ride in the back of a freezer truck and wind up at Martin’s home. He invites Candy, who we learn is a widower and talks to mask his loneliness, to stay for the holiday. Everyone’s friends!

As I said, the movie has some very funny parts. When they almost hit the big truck, the pair are grasping so tightly to the steering wheel/dashboard (respectfully) that they have to peel their fingers from 10 holes in the dash and a mangled steering wheel. John Candy, after the pair lose their wallets and money, sells his shower curtain hooks as jewelry to make money, convincing passers-by of their stylish design. And of course, Steve Martin has a typical movie freak out moment at the car rental place at a very chipper attendant that I don’t want to spoil but contains very colorful and inventive profanity. Fun for the whole family!

Planes, Trains and Automobiles: 5 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 abs.

Weird Science - Where no one knows what "science" is

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I’m on a John Hughes roll, but this one should keep rolling. I’d seen this one as a young man, and it held a higher position in my memory than it will now. Many of the same themes from The Breakfast Club appear here, but they are accompanied by awful, awful racism (Anthony Michael Hall doing an entire scene drunk and in a “Black voice” which is neither funny nor short-lived), Bill Paxton being turned into a Jabba the Hutt-type disgusting blob, and

The plot: Anthony Michael Hall and some other guy who can’t act at all are lonely and home alone for the weekend so they use a “computer” to create a beautiful life-like woman (seriously, watch this clip), who then takes a shower with them, goes to the mall, throws a party, wreaks havoc at the party, and then masterminds it so two popular girls will fall for them. Along the way, Robert Downey Jr. falls for the fake woman (Lisa) and he tries to get the guys to make a second woman for him and his friend. That fails, but then Lisa sends in some scary biker dudes who confront our “heroes” by taking the popular girls. The guys stand them down, the damsels are non-distressed, and Bill Paxton learns to be nice to his younger brother.

Look, this movie has no higher purpose, nor does it claim them. It’s stupid, goofy, non-sensical, and that would be fine if it were innocent fun. But there’s just enough racism, just enough misogyny to make it uncomfortable at times, and unfunny the rest. And for a movie with an outrageous plot, it’s surprisingly unoriginal. That racist voice AMH does here? He did two sentences of it in The Breakfast Club. In both movies he also claims to have a girlfriend in Canada. (Is this something people did before the Internet?) And again, it’s the cool kids against the losers, who find common ground when (contrived) challenges arise.

Enough of this. Don’t watch this. Watch any other John Hughes movie. Pick any one.

Weird Science: 1 of Patrick Swayze’s abs.

The Breakfast Club - Where the only meal is lunch

EAT MY SHORTS!

I had seen The Breakfast Club in parts many times growing up but I don’t remember ever actually seeing it start to finish. That changed last night.

It’s safe to say that I had very little in common with any of these characters. My home life was pretty awesome, so I never felt compelled to beat up a kid in the locker room or pretend to be a nymphomaniac or get an earring. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy the movie. Sure, it’s teenage hormones gone wild, but it’s a very efficient character study for each of the five stereotypes who get detention Saturday morning. And in the end, everyone finds love … except Anthony Michael Hall, who unfortunately will never find true love.

I don’t have to tell you the story here. Five kids, each coincidentally a different stereotype, end up with detention on a Saturday. They all did different things, but only AMH failed to kill himself on school grounds and instead had his flare gun go off in his locker. You’ll never believe this, but they all bond through their hatred of a common enemy, Principal Richard Vernon, a little pot, and a typically 80s melodramatic weep fest of teen angst, “no one understands me,” high school feelings. “Well everyone’s home life is unsettling. If it wasn’t, we’d all live with our parents our whole lives.” Wisdom from the moths of babes.

The performances are all terrific, though. Even Judd Nelson as the brooding, shouting “burner” is convincingly messed up. And it’s easy to believe AMH as a member of the Math Club, Physics Club, and Latin Club. (I was only in two of those, so I’m like way cooler.)

Since this is an 80s movie, there needs to be an awesome montage. And this one has two great ones. The first is of the kids running back to the library, while the second sees them dancing in the library after the incident with the weed and the tearful confessions.

The movie takes place over just 8 hours, but you feel as if you know each of the characters well by the end. So when Judd Nelson happily jumps with joy after getting Molly Ringwald’s diamond earring, you feel good for him.

I do, however, take exception to one of the resolutions at the end. Emilio Estevez and Ally Sheedy end up getting together, but only after Molly Ringwald gives her a complete makeover. His friends would never let him be with her as she was, but if she’s willing to be a different person, then it’s okay.

For that, I have to take away one of Swayze’s abs, bringing us down to 4.

Movie epilogue - Pretty in Pink

A few years ago I decided to write epilogues for movies I had watched, guessing what happened to the main characters after the movie ended. Here is on of my favorites, from the 1980s classic, Pretty in Pink.

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Andie Walsh: After a brief fling, Andie and Blane break up. Andie moves to France to study fashion, only to find that it is 1990 and her garish dresses are not only the least popular things in Paris, but also some of the most vomited upon. Unable to find gainful employment, Andie lives on the streets for a few years, picking up a little money doing caricatures of tourists but sustaining mostly on bread from trashcans and expired cheese. She saves up enough money to come back to America, where she meets up with Steff (see below), whom she can no longer deny. The are married and have five kids: Two are douchebags, two are middling tennis players, and one is a deaf-mute named Trigg.

Blane McDonnagh: The summer of 1986 was good to Blane. Dating his best girl, Blane was on top of the world. He had forsaken his world of money and country clubs, white tuxedos and sports cars to date a down-to-earth, working class girl. However, his friends and family soon abandoned him, and having planned to live on his trust fund and therefore unprepared to find work with a high school diploma, Blane found himself penniless and alone. Depressed and able to cry at the drop of a hat (seriously, this guy cries when the bathroom is running low on toilet paper), Blane proves to be too much for Andie, who dumps him. Blane moves to Hollywood to pursue a writing career. His heartfelt script, I Left My Heart in My Benz, becomes a semi-hit in the fall of 1989, and Blane enjoys a stream of moderately successful movies before the world learns that he is in fact a man. Audiences stay away from his next feature, Vaginal Diaries,and Blane now lives in seclusion in New Mexico.

Jack Walsh: Dead. Suicide. That bit about getting over his wife? He faked it.

Duckie: Duckie had a great prom night. He lost his virginity to the drunk blond who mistook him for Steff's slightly less attractive cousin, Pucky. The next morning, after realizing what she has done, said blond slaps Duckie so hard, his hair momentarily comes unstuck. With the pain of 18 years of lies coming over him, Duckie blurts out "I'm gay!" and moves to California, where he meets the man of his dreams, Goosie. They live happily together in San Francisco.

Steff: Steff has a rough time after prom. After Blane chooses a poor girl over being his friend, Steff calls into question his entire world view. He attends Yale in the fall, but only reluctantly. He has a string of one night stands with loose women, but all the while wondering if he's right. He takes a job at his father's company following college, but only with strong, never-spoken-aloud reservations. Three years into his job, he hires a PI to track down the one girl who got away, Andie Walsh. Upon learning that she has returned to America, he tracks her down and admits he loves her. He promises to fund a clothing line for her, and she agrees to marry him. Steff realizes that having money is awesome.

Iona: Dead. Untreated staph infection.