Willow - where the people are little, but the adventure isn't

I live tweeted Willow last night, and in case you missed it, we reproduce it below.

(Background: A prophecy proclaims that a baby will bring the ruin of the Queen. Naturally, she wants all babies dead. A midwife sneaks a young girl – who has the telltale birthmark – out of the dungeons and places her in a river. A little people couple finds her, but the little people village is afraid to keep her because hound-hogs (yes) track her down before they’re killed. Willow and a fellowship of the baby must return the baby to the Queen to protect themselves from future hoggings.Or will they?)

0:20 That’s right – Ron Howard and George Lucas combined to make an all-time classic.

4:22 Willow is definitely the Moses of little people.

5:42 Willow is a great example of George Lucas doing right – come up with the story, let someone more talented direct.

7:08 “I had those bangs when I was her age because my Mom cut my hair. It was unfortunate.” – the wife

9:35 Poor Willow. No one in his house listens to him. That will probably make it easier for him to pick up and leave for adventure.

11:09 It’s probably sizist of me, but I swear that’s Peter Dinklage in the background of this magic scene.

11:35 Also, there’s a magic scene.

18:35 “The bones have spoken!” Willow has to return the Moses girl to the big people.

20:18 Magic acorns. This story is getting good.

27:28 Val Kilmer is locked in a cage and “cursing” (“measly little pecks!”) at the fellowship of the baby.

29:40: Burglekutt just called Willow a runt. That's not very open minded of him.

30:44 So Val Kilmer is just locked in a cage that’s dangling above the ground in the middle of nowhere. Naturally, the little people camp out in front of him.

30:44 That is to say Willow and his buddy. The rest of the little people abandon the mission not 3 minutes in.

34:27 There also seems to be a war of some sort. Val Kilmer wants to join the armies marching by … but he’s all tied up. (Get it?)

35:58 And the little ones free Val Kilmer, who promises to feed and clean the baby. It’s now three men and a baby time!

36:52 We’re just bouncing from one movie homage to the next.

38:28 Now an even tinier dude riding an owl stole the baby and flies over head. Littler people tie Willow up, a la Gulliver’s Travels.

41:22 The wood faerie has given the baby back to Willow. He’s now tasked with overthrowing the queen or everyone dies. No pressure!

46:24 Kevin Pollack (the littler guy) inhaled some love potion and fell in love with a cat. This is happening.

47:56 Why yes, that is Val Kilmer in drag fighting off the advances of a large, drunk man. Why do you ask?

49:54 Adventure back on! Valerie Kilmer using the apples in her bra to fight off the Queen’s search party.

53:49 Sorry I went silent there. I was totally immersed in / turned on by that cross dressing fight scene.

56:17 Fantastic Val Kilmer scream there. Unnecessary, high pitched, and beautiful.

58:44 Gotta be honest: I remembered this movie being more fighting, less walking.

1:02:40 And the great sorcerer … is a rat.

1:04:06 Val Kilmer got captured again. For a great warrior he sure gets tied up a lot.

1:05:40 And we’re walking again.

1:07:31 The bad guy has a Skeletor mask. I sort of want to root for him now.

1:10:37 Now Val Kilmer got a face full of broken heart dust. He seems more high than lovelorn, though.

1:11:53 And he spies the bad lady and falls in love. But 10 minutes ago he said he hated her! I smell sitcom!

1:14:43 Finally some sword play! And then he drops it to ride down the hill on a sled with Willow and the baby.

1:21:17 Very nice of Sorsha not to speak while they kidnapped her and then rode off with her.

1:24:32 She escaped, but not without a longing look at Val. That’s going to be called back, right?

1:27:01 Two things: Val found some awesome armor with white hair flowing from the helmet. And the sorcerer is a goat now.

1:29:06 Trolls are awful, I know, but did he really deserve to be turned into a bleeding, pus-covered brain thing?

1:30:49 It’s amazing how little special effects improved between Return of the Jedi and Jurassic Park.

1:33:48 What turns Sorsha on? Watching Val kill some trolls. She straight up walked over and kissed him after he killed a few.

1:34:40 And she seems to be full on fighting her former allies now.

1:35:07 And Skeletor has the baby. But now the fellowship has a new member: Sorsha!

1:37:56 The queen can apparently turn everyone into pigs. I speak literally now. Still happy you turned on your mother, Sorsha?

1:39:05 And of course, rather than just killing the baby and being done with it, there has to be a “ritual.”

1:42:00 You’ll be happy to know Willow turned the sorceress back into a human, and she’s now turning the pigs back to warriors. War is on!

1:44:42 So it’s morning now, and the baby is still alive. That’s some long ritual.

1:46:25 Stupid bad guys! You fell for the old “horses and men hiding underneath blankets outside the castle door” trick!

1:48:20 Seriously. Forget doing a ritual this long. How is the queen even still awake? It’s been a long, long time.

1:49:11 Also, in less than 2 days, Sorsha has gone from doing everything Mom says to trying to kill her. Character development!

1:54:48 Skeletor put up a good fight, but ultimately, getting stabbed three times and thrown off a building proved to be his undoing.

1:56:04 The magic acorns! You probably forgot about them, huh? Well they didn’t work.

1:57:43 So it looks like lightning came and took care of the queen. That’s an insult to the term deus ex machina.

2:00:26 The baby safe, Willow returns home to wife, the Britishest midget in the world.

Well that was quite an adventure. A little bit sillier than I remembered, but still enjoyable, if only because Val Kilmer is hilarious in this movie, and sometimes even on purpose.

Willow: 3 of Patrick Swayze's 6 abs.

 

Footloose - where young, skinny Kevin Bacon teaches a town to dance

I assume you all know the plot of this movie, so rather than unsuccessfully review it, I’m just going to repost what I live-tweeted while watching it tonight. Enjoy! (Or don’t. I don’t care.)

• Kevin Bacon drives to school the first day with his music way too loud. No way that's gonna fly 
• I knew it was going to be trouble - $25 fine. Shoulda stayed off the lawn.
• Can you get a papercut from a laminated Illinois driver's license?
• Um ... Kevin Bacon is a gymnast? He's the complete package.
• I enjoy how their "Southern" accents come and go from scene to scene.
• There are definitely not enough tractor chicken fights in American movies
• I can honestly say I never thought I'd see Kevin Bacon drive a tractor.
• "Oh no, the frustrated dance scene!" - my wife

• I love 80s movies - what happened to having montages of scenes from the first 30 minutes of the movie half an hour in?
• Run away, Kevin Bacon! This chick is crazy!
• Can't believe John Lithgow slapped her. Then told his wife that people just run out of things to say.
• If nothing else, #Footloose has a great soundtrack.
• Attention - second montage of the movie! And this one has Chris Penn and Kevin Bacon dancing together, sharing a walkman.

• I knew I recognized her red boots - Ted Mosby stole them! #Footloose #HIMYM
• She's getting hit in the face a lot. I could probably do without all this.
• At least she finally convinced Kevin Bacon to kiss her. Black eye and all.
• "I just know when children dance, they become sexually irresponsible." John Lithgow just described my 7th grade dance
• Can a woman really get fired because her son is planning a dance? I smell lawsuit!
• "Fraught with genuine peril" I want to go to the dances that John Lithgow must have attended in the 60s! They sound super fun.
• Oh snap! Bible says dancing is great. Your move, Reverend sex party.
• Also, did no one ever notice that what's her face got beaten up by her ex-boyfriend? That was quite a black eye she got.
• A good old fashion book burning! I'd say it's like 19th century America, but it's really 21st century North Carolina.
• The preacher stops the book burning. He's turning! A dance can't be far behind.
• The preacher came around! Kevin Bacon is smiling! This is happening, people! Dancing! Fornication!
• Maybe no one is dancing because this song is awful ...
• It's true! John Lithgow heard a song outside the dance and kissed his wife. Devil's work!
• This is definitely the best dance-fight since West Side Story.

• I need a glitter cloud every time I enter a room.
• Little known fact: American Glitter Company stock rose 300% following the release of this movie.
• There are probably going to be 39 new babies nine months after this dance.
• Movie over. Dance a success. No alcohol. No babies. I'd say it was a great success. Aside from those 4 unconscious bullies outside.

This was a fun movie. I'd never actually seen it from start to finish, and for that I am very sorry. I probably would have been a dancer had I seen this movie in the 80s. Instead, what am I? Not Kevin Bacon, I'll tell you that.

Footloose: 5 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 abs.

Raising Arizona - where the only thing rising is my blood pressure

Raising Arizona is a loud, stupid, unfunny, improbable movie that grates on your ears as well as your faith in humanity only made worse by an ending that actively insults the audience’s intelligence. Of course, if the audience is even half as dumb as the characters in this movie, they probably wouldn’t recognize an insult to their intelligence.

I almost hesitate to summarize this movie, as it pains me to relive this trash and I fear I may suffer from PTSD, but for you, dear reader, I will press on.  Repeat (and bumbling) offender H.I. McDunnough (Nicolas Cage, in a role he was born to play) marries the local booking officer he falls for from his frequent arrests. “Ed” (Holly Hunter) cannot have babies, so the newlyweds steal a baby from a local furniture magnate, whose wife gave birth to quintuplets. Meanwhile, two of HI’s buddies (one is John Goodman) break out of prison and surprise the new family. They realize the baby is the one that was kidnapped and make off with him to get the reward money. They stop to rob a bank, as well, where the McDunnoughs catch up and get the baby back. Also at this time, a bounty hunter who shoots animals comes to get the baby. He and HI have an epic battle, which ends when HI pulls the pin from one of the grenades strapped to the bounty hunter’s chest (?) and he explodes. The McDunnoughs return the baby to the millionaire’s home, and he walks in just as they’re about to leave. He forgives them for kidnapping Nathan Jr. because, hey, they did the right thing in the end. Movie over.

That’s a dumb movie, with an ending so outrageous as to make everything that came before it worse because the characters essentially do whatever they want without consequences. The McDunnoughs not only kidnap a baby but MURDER A GUY and nothing happens. The cons break out of prison, rob a bank and kidnap a kidnapped baby and just decide to go back to jail because … they can? It’s not really explained. They simply crawl back through the hole they dug on their way out. Because it was never filled back in to, you know, prevent other people from also breaking out.

So it’s a stupid movie. But it’s also loud. Every scene in this movie has at least one, but usually multiple actors, screaming, wailing, shouting, or sobbing. There’s an entire scene where John Goodman and his brother drive a car screaming at the top of their lungs while returning to the convenience store where they left Nathan Jr. Nicolas Cage gets beaten up a number of times, which I would normally support, but he screams at the top of his lungs during each beating. And during the scene where HI has jumped in a pickup truck while trying to elude police, the two men scream repeatedly while narrowly avoiding a few crashes, and the soundtrack is a dude yodeling on top of their shouting! It’s almost as if the movie’s makers thought noise by itself constituted comedy, which probably explains why they didn’t try to include very many actual jokes.

Most disappointing was reaching the end of the movie and watching as the Coen Brothers’ names rolled by. How in the world were they allowed to make more movies after this? I’m glad they were, since The Big Lebowski, Fargo, and O Brother Where Art Thou are so great. But I’m not sure how anyone could watch this travesty of a movie and see anything good ever coming from them.

In summary: I don’t recommend this movie.

Raising Arizona: 1 of Patrick Swayze’s abs. (For John Goodman’s bumbling bank robbery, which included a bit of funny business in between shouting.)

Extra abs

- Nicolas Cage is shot at a lot in this movie, including by police officers who a) shoot at and in the homes of innocent people who are present and b) inside a grocery store, where dozens of people are shopping. This seems like a bad idea.

- I left out the part where a couple with obnoxious kids comes to meet the McDunnoughs' new baby and suggest they trade wives. There was shouting by kids and Cage alike.

- Holly Hunter is actually okay in this movie.

- This is the second movie in a row I've watched that has included a dude blowing himself up. Can we make it three in a row?

Heathers - where the guns go clique

So to say that this movie was not what I expected would be putting it mildly. In short order, our protagonists JD (Christian Slater) and Veronica (Winona Ryder) murder three people, making the first (Heather 1) look like a suicide by toxic cleaner and the last two a double suicide involving pistols at dawn. It is only after the second set of murders that Veronica develops something approaching remorse and breaks up with JD, who has already begun planning the next fake suicide for the second of three Heathers. JD decides to go out with a bang and rigs the school to explode while everyone is gathered for a Friday pep rally. Veronica stops the explosion, but JD, explosives strapped to this chest, blows himself up outside the school for a final suicide

Describing this movie as a comedy is a bit misleading, though there are undoubtedly funny parts. But this movie is dark, though well done, and many of the laughs are either at the expense of the characters or in spite of the otherwise tragic events going on in this school, where students are dropping like flies.

To be honest, I’m not sure how to process this movie. It was good – I can’t dispute that. The teenage angst is portrayed well – far better than in something like The Breakfast Club – but once JD and Veronica kill the first Heather, the movie takes an abrupt turn and becomes farce. The parents are aloof and uninterested in their children, while the teachers seem more concerned with how many hours to cancel in the wake of the death rather than actually worrying about how the students are feeling or coping. It’s a unique commentary on that “woe is me” mindset of teenagers, and told from that perspective (and Veronica’s diary), it’s a strong statement.

But did I like it? I’m not sure. So instead, I’m just going to ask a bunch of questions.

Was there really a time a kid like JD could not only bring a gun to school but also point it at two students and shoot (blanks) and not even get suspended?

What exactly did Veronica and JD expect would happen after serving Heather a glass of Draino? They seem so surprised that she’s died. “This is my life now?” Probably should’ve thought this through a bit more.

Did teachers really smoke in their morning meetings in the late 1980s?

How could Veronica really think that there was such a thing as Ich lüge bullets that merely pierced the skin and caused a little bit of bleeding?

Whatever happened to Christian Slater? I feel like he’s been in a dozen television shows that didn’t last more than 6 episodes each.

What sort of song is “Teenage Suicide Don’t Do It?” Who is the intended audience?

Are police really just going to believe two football players killed each other in their underwear in the woods because they were secretly gay only because there was a letter found nearby? That doesn’t sound fishy enough to warrant any type of follow up?

So Veronica shot JD in the boiler room in an attempt to stop him from blowing up the school. Seems fine. Is anyone going to walk down there and see ALL THE BLOOD and wonder what happened? And Veronica just strolls back in the school, covered in ash and, presumably, bits of JD. No one stops and asks what happened? Is she okay? Talk about self-absorbed teenagers.

Heathers: 3 out of 6 Patrick Swayze abs

Extra abs

 - It probably sounds like I didn’t like this movie, but I did appreciate much of it. Lots of funny lines.

- “Great pâté, but I’ve got to motor if I’m going to make that funeral.”

- “My son’s a homosexual and I love him. I love my gay dead son.”

- “Now I've seen a lot of bullshit. Angel dust. Switchblades. Sexually perverse photography exhibits involving tennis rackets.”

- “Save the speech for Malcolm X.”

- “I don’t patronize rabbits!”

- The “kid says what Dad would, Dad says what kid would” thing JD and his dad do is clever. 

- Also, Shannen Doherty. Ha.

The Secret of My Success - where the success is earned the old fashioned way

Mistaken identity, corporate espionage, and sexual intrigue. The Secret of My Success was a surprisingly funny movie starting the baby-faced Michael J. Fox between Back to Futures I and II as a Kansas college grad who moves to the big city in search of riches, falls for a girl (a Supergirl, no less) and, with some help from new friends, makes it big in perhaps the least believable – but still enjoyable – way imaginable.

After moving to the city, Brantley Foster (Michael J. Fox) convinces his “uncle” (a distant relative by marriage) to give him a job in the mailroom of their 30,000-employee company. Foster uses his access in the mailroom to study the company’s memos, stockholder reports, and other inside information to gain insights into the business. He befriends his “aunt” who quickly seduces him at her “country” estate in Connecticut, and they meet up a few more times, Foster trying in vain to avoid her advances.

Meanwhile, with the threat of a hostile takeover looming, Foster’s uncle, CEO Howard Prescott, makes cuts to raise capital, leaving a number of offices open. Foster sneaks into one, assumes a new identity and uses his mailroom resources to fulfill the requisite forms to get a secretary, office supplies, and release a memo about his own hiring. Of course, he has to maintain his job in the mailroom, so he ends up running back and forth – changing clothes in the elevator, avoiding people who know him as one identity when dressed as the other – and this is where much of the comedy derives from. It’s screwball, and Michael J. Fox has the physicality to pull it off, no matter how silly or ludicrous it becomes.

Meanwhile, Foster, as Charlton Whitfield and wearing what I have to assume is the smallest double-breasted suit ever made, falls for the female executive, Christy Wills (Helen Slater), who has been sleeping with CEO Prescott. They fall for each other and try to break things off with the old folks, though the Prescotts refuse to listen and continue their advances. The executives meet at the Prescott estate in CT to discuss options and Foster spends much of his time hobnobbing with rich people, whom Aunt Vera introduces him to in an effort to “guide him up the ladder,” as she did with Uncle.  That night the four major players all learn the truth about one another. Foster is, naturally, fired.

At work on Monday, it appears as though the company is moving forward with the takeover, and Prescott will remain with the new company. But, Foster, having raised money from his new friends and with the help of Aunt Vera (and daughter of the company’s founder (?)) has bought 50.1% of the shares of the larger company and is now running things. Prescott is fired, Foster and Wills are in love and in charge of a multi-billion dollar company. And Aunt Prescott even hooks up with Foster’s friend in the mailroom.

Look, this is a crazy movie. In no world would business people back – with millions of dollars – some 23-year-old kid they met two days earlier. Foster is, remember, working two jobs simultaneously. This isn’t a Mad Men, assume a new identity thing, break off connections to the old. This is a dude working two jobs in the same building with no one catching on. At least Clark Kent wore glasses. But I’m willing to forgive these improbabilities because this movie is a true descendant of the 1930s screwball, right down to the great, extended scene at the country house where the four major players – and one accidental participant – sneak around the house and into each other beds. Since both Foster and Prescott are looking for Wills they naturally end up together in her bed, with Prescott unwittingly putting the moves on his nephew.

And how can you not root for Michael J. Fox? He’s just so earnest, you excuse the zaniness because he’s initially overwhelmed by the situations he finds himself in but works through them, just short of laughing with us along the way.

The Secret of My Success: 4 of Patrick Swayze’s 6 Abs.

 Extra Abs

- I really hope there were people in 1987 who confused this movie with Wall Street, which opened a few months afterwards. Imagine their surprise when, instead of five minute bedroom swapping scene they get a coked-up Charlie Sheen. Had to be confusing.

- I think they were going for a “meet cute” between the two young people, but this one is more creepy than cute. Helen Slater approaches Michael J Fox at the water fountain and asks if she can have some water. He stares at her with a vacant expression on his face and watches her creepily as she drinks. She walks away and neither says anything else. Creepy.

- The soundtrack for this one is essentially one long synthesizer song. It is great.

- In true cheesy movie tradition, there is a scene in the first half of the film that flashes back to a scene that just took place 3 minutes before. You know, in case you forgot that Foster vowed to make it to the top on his own. (You should probably ignore that he does, in fact, use Vera's connections to reach the top. Not sure why they chose to point this out twice, then do the opposite.)

- The theme song says (yes) that the secret to his success is working 25 hours a day. Really, he just assumes a new identity and weasels his way into the board room. Oh, and sleeping with a millionaire also helped.

- While his neighbors have sex, bouncing his own bed off the wall, Foster uses a stick as a baton and conducts the proceedings. He also opens a can of beer at the climax, gushing the stuff on the floor. Good joke. Seems wasteful.

Three Amigos! - where everyone speaks English

There was a period in the early 90s when I watched Three Amigos! quite a few times. So many times, in fact, that I can still recite many of the scenes from memory. And as a child, the rocking musical number "My Little Buttercup" was a favorite of mine.

As great as it was then, it's even better watching it now that I'm older.

As a kid, I appreciated many of the jokes, the hilarious Three Amigos salute, the physical humor, the absurdity of many of the situations, and most of the things Chevy Chase did. But as an adult, I appreciate even more. The subtle puns and play on words. The fact that it is based on the classic film, The Magnificent Seven. The spoofs of silent films. And the probing, exhaustive look at race relations in the west of the early 20th century.

Just kidding. Those are stunningly stereotypical Mexicans.

The Three Amigos - Dusty Bottoms (Chevy Chase), Lucky Day (Steve Martin), and Ned Nederlander (Martin Short) - are movie stars in the silent film age, one-reel heroes of the west. They have a salary dispute with the studio and find themselves unemployed just as they receive an offer from a small Mexican town to help save them from a local crime lord, El Guapo. They assume this El Guapo is a legend of the Mexican screen, that they are going to be doing a show with him, and that they will be paid handsomely.


They arrive in town and have a nice party when El Guapo's men arrive, looking for their annual payoff. The Three Amigos, believing it part of the show, manage to scare off his men with their wild act and mad enthusiasm. However, El Guapo returns, shoots Lucky in the foot, drives the Amigos off, loots the town, and takes a female hostage, whom Lucky had fallen for. The Amigos, disgraced, decide that they will save the girl and save the village.

They infiltrate El Quapo's stronghold just as some pesky Germans are delivering a stockpile of weapons and successfully and with much comedic relief, escape with the girl. El Guapo chases them back to the village, where the Amigos have encouraged the townspeople to fight back. El Guapo is defeated, Lucky gets the girl, and the Amigos refuse the money.

 

I could go on and on talking about all the great scenes and lines from this movie. But I will describe one that I think best represents the brilliance and stupidity that make this movie so great. The Amigos, traveling through the desert, think they have reached the fabled singing bush. Now, to be clear, the bush is loudly singing and gesticulating with its branches very excitedly, but the three guys are unsure they've found the singing bush. "Are you the singing bush?" Lucky shouts over the signing, getting no answer. They eventually decide that it is in fact the signing bush, and they each do the required ritual (to summon the invisible swordsman, of course) which ends by shooting their guns in the air. Only Dusty, going last, shoots sideways, hitting the invisible man.

"Great! You've killed the invisible swordsman!" Lucky says looking incredulous after an invisible mass hits the ground. "You were supposed to fire up! We both fired up!" Ned walks over and picks up an invisible arm and drops it. Dead.

And that's it. They come to the bush to find a guide and kill him. They leave and still find their way to El Guapo. There is essentially no reason for this scene - or the singing bush, or the invisible swordsman - other than to a) listen to the guys make ludicrous noises before shooting a pistol and b) highlight the harebrained nature of the entire movie.

Three Amigos is a fun ride, and the three SNL stalwarts are each amazing in this film. I defy you to watch this movie and not laugh out loud a few dozens times. Seriously. I would love to hear anyone's opinion on this one, because in the Scott house, this ranks very high.

Three Amigos: 6 out of 6 Patrick Swayze abs. (I'll stand by this.)

Extra abs

- John Landis also directed this one. Another American classic.

- "Wherever there is injustice, you will find us. Wherever there is suffering, we'll be there. Wherever liberty is threatened, you will find the Three Amigos!

- El Guapo is Spanish for "the Handsome One," as anyone who watches this movie could probably infer.

- "In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be the actual El Guapo!"

- Steve Martin does the lasso tricks himself. Apparently, he learned them working in a magic shop as a kid.

- "Do you have anything here besides Mexican food?"

Risky Business - where business is good

I essentially knew nothing about this movie, having never seen it growing up. I knew that Tom Cruise did the dance in his underwear, but that was it. So imagine my surprise when he turns pimp!

In Risky Business, a very young Tom Cruise is left home alone while his parents visit a sick aunt. He's a straight arrow, focusing on school, the SATs, and getting into Princeton. His buddies, however, convince him to contact a call girl, which he does with the naivety of a 17 year old. After a night of doing what they do, Tom has to leave her to cash in a bond ("We hope your life is full of joy and happiness. Love Grandpa and Grandma.") to pay the $300. He returns to find that she's stolen a very valuable and very dear to Mom crystal egg. He tracks her down and rescues her from an abusive pimp, and she stays another night in the house. Tom once again leaves her, this time to attend school, and comes home to find a friend of hers earned some money from one of his friends. Tom gets a cut because it's his house, and, after doing some drugs (his first time), they go out for a night of fun which ends when Tom drives his dad's Porsche into Lake Michigan.

Having previously declined a business offer from his young hooker friend but now desperate for money to pay for the damages, Tom agrees to hose a one night soiree to hook up his lonely friends and classmates with Lana's friends and associates. They make a killing, Tom rakes in $8,000 in one night and even takes care of the interviewer from Princeton, who of course comes that night and is somewhat ... surprised. Lana takes Tom out on the town because she wants to do it on a train (yes this happened) and the ride all night until they are alone and do just that. Tom returns home to find an empty house. Literally empty, as Lana's pimp has stolen everything as punishment for taking his business. He returns with a UHaul truck and sells back all of the furniture, draining all of poor Tom's hard earned money. His parents return that afternoon none the wiser (minus a tiny scratch on the egg), and the Princeton interviewer calls his dad and boasts what a great student he'll make.

 
I have to admit I enjoyed this one, and not just because it was fun to watch a Tom Cruise movie before he went totally crazy. The performances are very reserved which allows for the story to grab you to the point where, sure, I can believe this 17 year old is a pimp. There are also quite a few funny scenes, including Tom telling the school nurse why he missed school and should have the absences excused. "To be honest, I met a call girl," he begins as she's filling out the unexcused absence form. "You're still writing! I just need a little compassion!" There's a great sight gag after he picks up the repaired Porsche and drives about 20 MPH with his blinking lights, so terrified he's going to do anything else to the car. Then while his friends are putting the furniture back in the house, one of his friends makes the point that the figures on the bookshelf should be arranged by century. "You don't want to mix cultures, either."

It's another of those crazy coming-of-age stories that is wild but just believable enough to be fun.

In one of the final scenes, Tom meets with Lana for brunch and asks if that night on the train - which meant so much to him - was all part of a trick to get him out of the house. She takes a long pause and says that no, it wasn't just to occupy him. "You don't believe me, do you?" I've given it some thought, and I'm not sure whether we are supposed to or not. The two of them have a great chemistry so that when she's begging him to leave with her, it could really be that the train ride was all her idea. The movie ends with their roles reversed, repeating dialog from their first night together only Lana is playing the part of the naive, inexperienced girl. So maybe it was all an act.

Or maybe it really doesn't matter.

Risky Business: 5 of Patrick Swayze's 6 abs.

Extra abs

- Apparently sales of the Ray Bans Tom wears in this movie shot up 2,000% following the movie's release.

- The song playing on the train is Phil Collins'"In the Air Tonight."

- Bronson Pinchot plays one of the high school friends. He'd of course go on to star in Perfect Strangers, so it's hard to take anything he says seriously.

- The pimp is played with swarmy delight by Joe Pantoliano. Sadly, he was already going bold some 15 years before selling his soul in The Matrix.