Never Say Never Again - Where to Begin?

Never Say Never Again stars Sean Connery, 12 years after he appeared in Diamonds Are Forever and vowed to never play James Bond again. The film was released by an independent studio - not the one that released all previous Bond movies - as a result of a legal battle over film rights to one Ian Flemming novel. Thus, in 1983, we had two competing 007 movies. I had never seen this one, but it is in every way superior to Roger Moore's Octopussy, also released in 1983.

As the plot of this film is essentially the same as every James Bond movie made before Casino Royale, I am not going to recap it in any detail. Rather, I will be letting the movie tell itself.

The movie opens with SPECTRE stealing some nuclear warheads from the US Navy. The leader of SPECTRE, Blofeld, is played by Oscar-winner Max Von Sydow.

And you know what? He doesn't have to open his eyes when he talks. He's number one! SPECTRE uses this US Navy goober - who also played Superman's rival for Lana Lang in Superman III - to steal the nukes.

Don't get too attached. He's going to be murdered shortly after this.

Fifty-two at the time of filming, Sean Connery's 007 is re-enlisted to help the British retrieve those nuclear warheads! M's first order for 007? Checking into a health spa to get back in shape.

Naturally, there's a shootout there. Bond tracks down a lead and meets an attractive young woman in Jamiaca. Unfortunately, she works for SPECTRE. Bond is unaware, so they sleep together and then go scuba diving because they're in the tropics! She tries to kill him with sharks ...

... who are no match for closing doors! Bond is rescued by a helpful female agent. "Now that you're here, I hope we're going to have some gratuitous sex and violence." They promptly sleep together.

Bond then meets Domino (Kim Basinger) who is dating Maximillian Largo, a millionaire who is heading up the nuke-theft operation.

She is also the sister of the Navy goober. It's complicated. Bond uses her to find out where Largo will be and meets him there that night. (At this point, Bond and Domino have not slept together.) Instead, Largo challenges Bond to a game that he invented. It's like if Atari made a video game version of Risk. "The game is called domination. I designed it myself. The problem is that I've never found a worthy adversary."

Naturally, Bond wins. Instead of the $250,000 that had been at stake, 007 chooses as his prize a dance with Domino. Largo - not at all a crazy, evil sociopath - is nonplussed. Meanwhile, the SPECTRE lady is still trying to kill Bond. She ends up killing the first 007 lover from the film then chases Bond around a scenic town.

He survives the chase and the two have a climatic showdown in which Bond kills her.

If you're counting at home, both women Bond has slept with in the movie are now dead. So ... not the best survival rate.

Bond returns to Largo's estate and kisses Domino in front of him to "get a rise out of him." Indeed he does. Largo does what we'd all do in that situation. He ties her up and auctions her off to the highest bidder among a group of generic Arab men.

We've all been there. Love is a nasty game. And to be fair, he did tell her earlier in the movie if she ever left him, he'd kill her.  Bond manages to escape and rescues her. They sleep together but SPOILERS she doesn't die! The survival rate among Bond's lovers has now climbed to 33%, which I think we can all agree is very strong.

Bond and the US Navy track down Largo and the nuclear weapons, which are for some reason underground in a cave.

The Navy and Bond take the cave, but Largo escapes in a helicopter. So Felix, who in this movie actually helps Bond and isn't just a character to give the audience exposition, flies with Bond. Using 1980s jet packs.

Come on. Even at 52 years old, Bond is having a blast.

Bond chases Largo under the water. For some reason the US Navy - tasked with defending our country by using water warfare - does not follow. Luckily, and inexplicably, Domino is there. And she shoots Largo with a harpoon just in time to save Bond's life.

Even she seems surprised to be there.

Mission accomplished, Bond celebrates with Domino back at the hotel. Mr. Bean surprises Bond, who tosses him in the pool.

Mean old 007! Mr. Bean is only there to ask if you'll come back and work in her majesty's service again. "Never," he says, as the movie's title track comes on. "Never. Never. Never say never again." And Bond, 20 years into puns and all manner of sexual references, for the first time ever, looks at the camera and winks.

Whew. What a ride.

This movie was fun and didn't take itself too seriously. It was a pleasure to see Sean Connery back in the role he brought to life, and, as difficult as the plot was to follow in some parts, the story was no more crazy than any other Bond movie before it. I'm going to go ahead and give this movie 4 Patrick Swayze abs.

Extra abs

• Sean Connery was 52 years old in this movie and is still shirtless in, I'd wager, 30% of the scenes. Dude got it.
• Irvin Kirshner directed this. He also directed Empire Strikes Back, so you'll never hear me speak ill of him.
• I still can't get over the ending of this movie. BOND WINKS AT THE CAMERA. That's probably the best way for Connery to, finally, say good-bye to the role.

Beverly Hills Cop - Where everything is by the book until it's not.

Beverly Hills Cop wasn't Eddie Murphy's first movie. It wasn't even his first action/cop/buddy movie. It certainly isn't his funniest movie, but it's probably my favorite. The film doesn't have many holes: the supporting cast (led by Judge Reinhold) is superb, the villain is irredeemably evil in that perfect 1980s way, Murphy's character is funny and always right without being smug or condescending. Even the theme song is great and probably one of the best of any movie ever. And unlike 48 Hrs., when the characters find themselves in conflict, there's never any doubt that they respect and want to help each other. It's not awkward or stuck in its time, even 30 years later.

Axel Foley is a Detroit police officer who has a tendency to play by his own rules. (Most 1980s movie police officers did this. In fact I can't think of a single 1980s cop movie where the cop played by the actual rules. Even RoboCop, who isn't even a man, played by his own rules to bring down the corruption in the Detroit Police Department. But I digress.) After his old friend is murdered outside Foley's apartment, Foley takes time off and drives to Beverly Hills, where Mikey had been working and had stolen some counterfeit bonds.



Foley immediately gets in trouble after visiting Victor Maitland, for whom Mikey had worked. After asking a few questions, Maitland has him literally thrown from the building - through the window on the first floor, too. The Beverly Hills PD pick him up on charges of disturbing the peace. "Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out a window! What's the charge for being thrown out of a moving car? Jaywalking?"

The BHPD tell him to leave Maitland alone. "In Beverly Hills we go strictly by the book." So we know nothing will go by the book. Two cops, Sgt. Taggert and Det. Billy Rosewood (Reinhold), are charged with following Foley and making sure he stays out of trouble. Foley manages to elude them (he orders them room service from his hotel and while they are being served, stuffs a few bananas in the tailpipe) and continue his investigation with the help of a mutual friend, Jenny, in pure 80s womanhood.

Taggert and Rosewood, very much in trouble for losing Foley the previous night, try again the following night. Foley takes the direct route and rides with them to a "bar I know," which turns out to be a strip club. Foley senses something bad is about to go down and enlists the help of Taggert and Rosewood to capture the two would-be thieves. He even tries to give them full credit for the arrest, endearing himself to both of them and their boss, but they come clean because they play by the book, not their own rules. (At least not yet.)

Foley finds out that Maitland is smuggling drugs - among other things - and bribing US Customs officials to get his stuff into the country. Unfortunately, he and Jenny are captured in the warehouse. Rosewood saves Foley and follows Rosewood, who has kidnapped Jenny, to his home. Taggert meets him there and they break onto the grounds. A nice series of gun battles erupt until Lt. Bogoman shows up to shoot Maitland and save Foley's life.

The Chief of Police shows up and Bogoman invents a story to protect Foley. Taggert and Rosewood follow his lead, and pretty soon, the book is out the window. Everyone lives happily ever after! At least until the sequels. (And apparently they're making a fourth one now ... yikes.)

Beverly Hills Cop is just a fun, buddy-cop film, in stark contrast to 48 Hrs. In this one, while the good guys don't always get along, they at least know they want the same thing. They treat each other with respect, sprinkled with healthy, good-natured ribbing. Everyone on the BHPD is likeable and not just a stereotype or one-note character. Moreover, you absolutely believe that Foley would be able to convince these people he's known for only a few days to trust him enough to break the rules to bring down a villain they don't really know much about. It's fun, it has some good action scenes, and Murphy is eminently enjoyable. This one gets a strong Ab rating:

Extra abs

• While Foley first gets to Beverly Hills and walks around town, there are 2 dudes wearing leather jump suits very similar to the one Murphy wore in his stand-up movie, Delirious. Foley laughs at them.

• That's a pretty graphic murder of Mikey. It's a long shot from down the hall, as the henchman holds him down and shoots him in the back of the head. It's striking in that it is so different from the tone of the rest of the movie, making the killing all the more shocking. I think it helps make Foley's determination to solve the case and bring his killer to justice easier to understand.
• Hey look! It's Breaking Bad's Mike again! This time he's bad, but he meets the same fate as his character in 48 Hrs.

• $235/night for the hotel? And it's one of the cheaper hotels in town? Remind me not to go there.
• "Foul-mouthed? F*** you!"
• This movie is everything I love about the 8os. That hair, the poofy, pushed up jacket sleeves and shoulder pads. And the soundtrack is awesome.

48 Hrs. - Where political correctness is 30 years away

48 hours. Eddie Murphy's character, Reggie Hammond, is released from prison for 48 hours to help Nick Nolte's cop character, Jack Cates, catch a convict who's managed to escape from prison. This is the plot of the movie, but you could be forgiven for thinking that the point of the movie is simply for as many characters as possible to hurl racist epithets at Eddie Murphy.

In other words, this movie has not exactly aged well.

The film begins with the somewhat exciting aforementioned escape and then moves into a legitimately exciting shootout between three cops and our escaped inmate and his friend. The shootout, which starts in a hotel room and moves into the lobby, at first leaves one cop dead. The shooting continues downstairs and ... hey look! It's Mike from Breaking Bad as one of the cops!

He does not look good. Oh he's dead now. Sorry, Mike!

Cates survives and needs help from Hammond, who is two-and-a-half years into a three-year prison sentence for armed robbery. We first meet Eddie Murphy 25 minutes into the film singing "Roxanne" off-key in a recliner in a jail cell. (This of course foreshadowed Murphy's awesome first album.) I guess San Francisco prisons are nicer than most others? Hammond agrees to help Cates catch Gans (the escaped prisoner) in exchange for 48 hours on the outside. Hey that's the name of the movie!

 

Turns out that Hammond and Luther, an accomplice of Gans, stole half a million dollars a few years back, and Gans is after that money. Hammond doesn't like this, but is hesitant to trust his new cop friend. I'm not sure why, when Cates says things like, "I don't know what you're smiling about, Watermelon," or just forsakes all creativity and uses the n-word. Whatever the case, they need each other to track down these other guys, and end up working pretty well as a team.

Obviously, when I say "working pretty well as a team" I mean they stop beating up the bad guys, have a pretty intense brawl in the street, and then decide to stop fighting each other and continue only beating up other people.

 

For some reason, they have to go to the most redneck bar ever put on film, where Eddie Murphy hears more terrible racist things. Cates lets Hammond pretend to be a cop, so Murphy actually gets to taunt a few racists and even takes one of their hats. "There's a new sheriff in town and his name is Reggie Hammond." Actual line from this movie.

If nothing else, the director, Walter Hill, does an amazing job building tension whenever there's a gun. After the odd couple chase the fugitives into the San Francisco subway, there's an incredible showdown on a platform. The scene is shot like an old western as we wait for someone to shoot first. Unfortunately the showdown is broken up by a police officer shouting, "Drop that!" He's promptly shot and does most of the dropping.

Cates returns to the police station empty handed - he lost the fugitives, he lost the money, and people keep dying around him. And that's when we get that staple of all 80s cop movies: the irate police captain:

Believe it or not, this guy even calls Eddie Murphy the n-word. "Yes, I said it!" he says, as if anticipating a backlash. Seriously though, this guy could fight off any backlash with his fiery language and that sweet, sweet 80s mustache. 

Cates is suspended, but like all 80s cop movie heroes, doesn't let that stop him from tracking down the villains. They confront the guys in Chinatown and Cates shoots Gans at least 8 times. "You're done. End of story." Actual line from this movie. (This does not, however, mark the end of the movie so keep watching!)

Hammond has to go back to jail, but Cates says the $500,000 will be waiting for him. In a suitcase. In the truck of his car. I'm no student of the constitution, but this seems hard to believe. Hammond offers to give some of the money to Cates, but he refuses. "That's not my style." However, he does say that Hammond can buy him a car. It was at this point I gave up trying to understand this movie or refrain from laughing at the dialogue. But at one-and-a-half hours, at least it didn't drag on too long. ONLY 46.5 HOURS TO GO.

 

I can't give this movie more than 3 of Patrick Swayze's abs. The fight and gun scenes were very well done, and you can see some of the smartass that Murphy would perfect in Beverly Hills Cop start to come out, but the overt-becomes-in-your-face racism has to knock a few abs down.

Extra abs

• Cates does apologize for his racist remarks about an hour into the movie, saying he was merely doing his job of keeping Hammond down. Oh. That explains that.
• I haven't mentioned Annette O'Toole. I didn't forget about her, but I'm pretty sure the writers did. Her character is dating Nick Nolte's but after waking up together in the movie's second scene, we only see her twice more and each time she's on the phone shouting the f-word at Cates. These filmmakers just get women.
• Yes, that was Denise Crosby playing a crazy woman with a bat!
• This was Eddie Murphy's first movie. The verbal abuse he took in this has to be considered some of the worst hazing in Hollywood history.
• Stay tuned: I'm in an Eddie Murphy mood and will be blogging his next two movies: Trading Places and Beverly Hills Cop. I remember both being way better.
• And just for fun: Nick Nolte more recently.